Karinne Claire

Our Pregnancy with Karinne.m4v

2012-07-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

This is a video of photos from our pregnancy journey with Karinne.
It was a journey filled with many joys and sorrows. We were truly blessed
to be able to make precious memories with her along the way.
(Be sure to pause the music on the playlist at the bottom before viewing.)

Karinne Claire.m4v

2012-07-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

This is the video made by our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer
for Karinne's funeral service. The photos & video turned out so Beautiful!

(Be sure to pause the music on the playlist at the bottom before viewing)

December

2011-12-09T08:25:00.001-08:00

2 years ago today was the worst day of our lives - the day we found out that Karinne would never come home to live with us. You can read more about that day by clicking here.

I am finding myself at a loss for words. I want to write something new that describes my emotions today on this difficult anniversary. But I can't find the words and don't have the time to take to find them. But I wanted to post something today, so here it is.

The coming of this December has held many emotions for me as I recall December of 2009. The coming of the Christmas season just isn't the same as it always was for me - before the worst day of our lives.... As we put up decorations, attend the children's Christmas programs, buy gifts, and prepare for family gatherings - I can't help but recall the pain of all of those things that year after we found out the bad news. I hope that eventually, December will return to its intended beauty and that the pain associated with this day will lessen over time.

Miss you and Love you SO MUCH Karinne!

18 Months

2011-11-10T08:23:00.001-08:00

Today it is 18 months since my baby girl went to heaven.

In some ways it seems like forever ago, and in so many others - it seems like just yesterday.

What I wouldn't give to have a beautiful blond 18 month old toddling around our home and filling our hearts with joy......

The tears are fewer and farther between these days than they once were. My blogging about her is almost nonexistent. But the hole in my heart and the constant ache for my daughter remains the same.

Miss you SO MUCH - Baby Girl!! Love you SO MUCH - Karinne Claire!!

2 Months and Back To Work

2011-10-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has flown by far too fast and Caiden turned 2 months old yesterday. He's getting so big and fun and more and more adorable by the day. And unfortunately two months also means the end of my maternity leave and the return to teaching high school art tomorrow morning. BOO-HOO!!!! I really really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I will really really miss these wonderful days at home with my little man Caiden.

I could really cry up a storm if I would let myself. I'm going to try really hard not to do that. I would truly appreciate prayers that everything would go as smoothly as possible - for me at work - for Caiden at daycare - for all of us trying to get ready in the morning (yikes!)

I thought I would share a couple of photos that show how Caiden has grown and changed. I will take a photo of him with this bear each month. Here are the 1st 3 photos:

Caiden at 1 week

Caiden at 1 month

Caiden at 2 months

As you can see, he has grown just a little bit! 11 lbs. 8 oz - 2 weeks ago!!! And he's lost a lot of his hair!!

Well - Caiden is down for bed. So I suppose I better go to bed too. Hopefully we'll get a good night's sleep and be ready for the big day tomorrow. Still can't believe I have to go back to work. =(

Karinne's Baby Brother

2011-08-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

At long last - our Little One is here safe and sound! Our family has a new baby boy!! His name is Caiden Lee Larshus. He weighs 8 pounds 4 ounces and is 20 inches long. He was born at 9:04 am on August 15th. We are doing great so far and are SO thankful for the beautiful healthy son that God has blessed us with. Thanks so much for all of the prayers!

More Than One in a Million

2011-08-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I wanted to touch base that we are down to 5 days after today until our delivery day. It's such a strange feeling having a set date and waiting and wondering if we will make it to that day. This may feel like a very long week! I've been having a fair amount of contractions here and there and we are certainly nervous that I will go into labor on my own before Monday. Especially since my doctor is gone until Sunday! I really, really, really want to have my planned doctor there for the c section. But we are trying to leave it up to God - and trust that everything will turn out okay - no matter what. Prayers please!

Oh, and - it seems we are all coming down with a yucky head cold here at our house. Curt was pretty miserable this evening and now it has hit me during the night. Oh, Joy! Hopefully it will make its way out before Monday and Little One will be patient and wait!

I have added a "Follow By Email" gadget to the right sidebar of the blog. I am hoping to phase out the use of the Caring Bridge site for letting people know about new posts. So if you wish to continue following our journey through the blog, please sign up for the email notifications.

I also wanted to share an email and song that I received from a dear loved one this morning. It really touched my heart and boy did the tears flow thinking about just how fitting this was for my emotions today. I thought I would share it with all of you as well:

"Hi...We listened to our Veggie Tales lullaby CD tonight. I hadn't listened to it since we moved. I knew there was a song on there that was very sweet and always makes me cry. I remember listening to it when my oldest was a baby and then I didn't listen to it as much later. It just seems fitting with Karinne and the new baby on the way. Karinne is more than one in a million and you'll never forget her or replace her. And the new baby will be more than one in a million also and you'll love that baby so much too.

Here are the lyrics to the song. I think you know the tune. You have probably thought of this song too. It is just so sweet.

I love you."

Way up above us, twinkling bright,
There must be a million stars in the sky tonight, tonight.
But don't you worry, no need to cry,
You are the only twinkle that's in my eye, tonight.

You're more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There's no way that I could ever forget your face,
Youre more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.

Through all the laughter, through all the tears,
Whenever you need me, I will be standing here, right here.
No need to wonder, don't ever fear,
Though you may wonder,
Ill always be right here, right here.

You're more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There's no way that I could ever forget your face.
You're more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.
Could ever come close to you

Here is the only version of the song that I could find. It has been edited for this sweet baby, Eamon. The Veggie Tales version is better of course, but this one gives you the idea. Be sure to pause my playlist at the bottom before listening to the song on the video. I hope the words touch your heart as they did each of ours.

Getting Ready

2011-08-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

The summer has flown by and here we are on August 1st. It's hard to believe since there were so many times it felt like August would never get here. I have thought about so many different posts in the time since I last wrote anything. But either I didn't make the time or the right words just wouldn't come.

I thought today I should write a post to let everyone know that we are scheduled to have our Little One by c section on August 15th - Just 2 weeks away! It is difficult to describe the rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, and feelings that have gone along with this pregnancy. And the anxiety and worries that continue even as we draw so near to holding our baby in our arms. A part of me still can't quite believe that he or she will actually get here safe and sound. It's just so hard.

I've been occupying my time with a lot of "getting ready" types of projects around the house this summer - trying to prepare our home - and my heart - for the arrival of this new little one. Here are a few of the projects where my emotions have been particularly up and down in relation to the continued process of grieving for Karinne while pregnant with a new baby:

Putting Away Some of Karinne's Things: There is a small table in our dining room that I originally set up for the kids to do crafts at so that those things wouldn't always be on the dining table. Well, ever since losing Karinne, this table has been occupied with a large variety of "her stuff" including a basket full of condolence cards, a flower press with blooms from her various arrangements, and several gifts that haven't quite found a home just yet. One day when the kids were gone visiting grandparents, I made myself sit down and go through all of these items and put them away. Although I still have many of her things in other places throughout the house, it was very difficult to put that tote full of stuff away in the basement. It just felt so wrong and painful and brought many, many tears to my eyes and my heart.

Weaving Baby Blankets: This summer I have completed 5 new blankets on my weaving loom. 2 for my niece and nephew who celebrated their 1st birthdays this summer. 1 for my son Ian - who just turned 4! And who I had never gotten one made for. And 2 for this baby - one blue and one pink. Well, before this summer, the last weaving I did was to make Karinne's blankets while she was happily moving safely in my tummy. It was certainly emotional and bittersweet to sit at the loom again. But overall, it was very therapeutic as well.

Making a Room For Baby: We have been working on a remodeling project to make a room for Little One. And things are coming along pretty well, although it has been a lot of work and a bit of a stressful mess. The room is now all "White and Waiting" - as I've been calling it - since we aren't going to paint the room colors until after the baby is born. It has been exciting to see the transformation and a fun project in many ways. BUT - when I let myself go there - it's another sad reminder of what might have been if Karinne could have stayed. We would have built a nursery for her a year and a half ago instead of now for this baby.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm thankful for this Little One and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to hopefully watch this little girl or boy grow up and grow old. But it's just such a hard road. Please pray for us as we continue "getting ready" for this new baby. For peace in our hearts, for joy in our souls, and for love overflowing when we finally hold this Little One in our arms.

Angie Smith Interview by Anchored By Hope

2011-06-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had the chance to listen to 3 very special baby loss moms sharing about their grief journeys. Kristie, who led the bible study I did last fall through Anchored By Hope and another baby loss mom had the opportunity to interview Angie Smith - author of I Will Carry You and the popular baby loss blog "Bring the Rain".

I found myself in tears several times listening to the radio show. And frequently nodding my head with what they were saying. The show is about 50 minutes long. But I think it is well worth listening to - especially for any of you who have experienced a loss. I think it would also be a good listen for friends and loved ones of baby loss moms - to get perspective on this difficult journey that is only truly understood through firsthand experience.

Be sure to pause the playlist at the bottom of the blog before starting the radio show:

Listen to internet radio with Anchored By Hope on Blog Talk Radio

By the way - 30 weeks today with our Little One. Hard to believe in just 10 weeks or less we will be - God-willing - holding our sweet little 5th child in our arms. Sure is wiggling and poking around in there as I type this! Looking forward to meeting this little wiggler in person! And yet - still scared and anxious about something going wrong and nervous about how much our lives are going to change with a new baby. Still such a hard, hard road.

A Year of Monday Posts

2011-05-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning - Tuesday - and realized I had forgotten to do a post yesterday. For the past year, I've written a post pretty much every Monday. They began on the Caring Bridge site where at first I posted them at 10:20 in the morning to be exactly another week since Karinne was born. And I have continued the Monday posts here on the blog. I think I've only missed once or twice in the past year.

I thought early yesterday morning about posting, but decided I would put it off until later in the day. And then I forgot. And I felt a little bit guilty this morning when I realized it. But really, it was fitting for what I wanted to share in this post. Today - this week - I'm giving myself permission to no longer write a post every Monday. I've decided that it's time to give myself a little slack - and to allow myself to not feel badly about it. I have shared Karinne's story over the past year in my Monday posts, but it is time to move forward - at least a little bit. I've been realizing this past month - as I have grieved so deeply once again for the loss of Karinne - that I have to allow my heart to begin to let go - at least a little bit. And that is SO HARD for me to do. But I know now that it is time - for my husband, for my kids, for this Little One in my tummy, for myself, and even for Karinne.

And so - I'm letting you all know that my posts will probably be less frequent and won't always show up on Mondays. I will still continue to post and I will never stop wanting to share Karinne's story and help others to remember her. I will certainly never stop missing her and really, I would never want to. But it is time to give myself permission to miss a few Mondays.

I wanted to share also today about sweet Amazing Abigail who I posted about last week. Sadly - she passed into the arms of Jesus on last Tuesday evening. But her family was truly BLESSED to have nearly 8 1/2 days with her. What a miracle!! Please continue to lift her family up in your prayers as they begin this "afterwards" part of the journey. You can visit their site and see more sweet photos of Abigail at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/abigailphillips

And I wanted to request prayers as we go to our first checkup today with our "new" doctor. I don't know if I have mentioned it on here, but my doctor who was with us through our pregnancy with Karinne and with Little One up til now is moving away. =( =( =( Well, we have known for the last few months that this would be happening. And today will be my first appointment with Dr. Doug. The good news is that we have already met him and had him for a doctor. But the kind-of difficult part is that it was because he was the doctor who performed the c section for Karinne. We really do like him and feel comfortable with him. But it will be so strange and deja vu-ish to return there now with our Little One. Please pray that the appointment will go well and that it won't be too emotional to return there with this baby.

And finally, I read the following story on another mom's site today and just wanted to share it because of how the illustration touched my heart:

The Brave Little Soul

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?, he asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. God was pleased.

Amazing Abigail

2011-05-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today I wanted to share with you about Amazing Abigail - a sweet baby girl born with anencephaly last Monday in the Wichita area. The amazing thing about Abigail is - She Is ONE WEEK OLD Today!!!

Abi's parents - Melissa and Danny - have been meeting with the perinatal hospice volunteers at Choices Medical Clinic since they found out her diagnosis. Our mutual friends, Denise and Martha, introduced me to them over email about a month and a half ago so that I could give them any insight that could be helpful. I know that they have also visited our blog several times. Melissa and Danny were particularly interested in my thoughts on having a c section versus a vaginal birth. So I gave them the best and most heartfelt explanation I could explaining why I was glad we chose a c section for Karinne.

And now - after having a c section with little Abigail - she has made it a Full Amazing Week and got to come home with her parents. And it sounds like she is doing really well. Wow - What a Blessing for this sweet family!! You can visit their Caring Bridge site and send them some love and prayers at the following site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/abigailphillips where there is even a cute little photo of Abi.

Now - as happy as I am for Melissa and Danny, I have struggled this past week with wishing we could have been blessed with more time with Karinne. It has been so hard to keep from wondering why WE couldn't have been given such a miracle. Oh, how I would have loved to bring Karinne home from the hospital, to feed her, to bathe her, to change her diapers for goodness sake! It's very difficult to keep from being envious and believe me - I've asked - "why God why?"

But I know in my heart that Karinne's life was just as it was meant to be, just as God planned for it to be, and just as was best for our family.

I know that some of you have been praying for me because I can feel myself coming out of the painful fog of the last few weeks. I hadn't admitted it to hardly anyone, but the experience of Karinne's 1st Birthday has been VERY HARD on me. And I felt in many ways like it was hard on ME alone. But I know that your prayers have brought me through. I'm beginning to feel the weight lifting of this latest wave of grief and I can begin to see the light of new beginnings shining on the horizon. Thank you for your prayers - and for your sweet comments - please keep them coming! =)

Remembering Karinne For Her Birthday - Part 2

2011-05-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, May 10th - Karinne's actual 1st birthday - here is how our family spent the day:

Curt and I both took the day off of work. I was so glad that he was able to make it work so that he could spend the day with me. Thanks Hun! And DaNae and Noah stayed home from school. I decided to still take Ian to daycare during the day because it would make our plans go much easier. I felt pretty guilty about it though.

Anyway - the morning started off pretty rough for me. I kept crying at the drop of a hat and couldn't seem to shake it. A part of me just wanted to stay in bed and cry the day away. I just kept thinking of all the events of last year and how her birth-day transpired one year ago. And it was just SO HARD. But I also knew I wanted to do some special things for her birthday and remember her with smiles too, not just tears. I prayed for God's strength and peace to get through the day and I know others were praying for us too.

In honor of Karinne's birthday, we sponsored our area Christian radio station - KGCR - for the morning of May 10th. Their songs and radio shows were an amazing source of comfort and inspiration to Curt and I in the months before and since Karinne's birth. In return for our sponsorship, they aired a memorial dedication several times throughout the morning. I was disappointed (and cried a lot) when I first heard the airing early in the morning because they had pronounced Karinne's name wrong. But a dear friend later called in and asked them to fix it. Thanks Donna! Here is the corrected radio spot and precious dedication to Karinne:

I knew that I wanted to visit Karinne's grave around the time that she was born - 10:20 am - and be there until 10:30 - the time frame of her life outside the womb. I cut some fresh flowers from our yard and we blew up the only balloons we could find in the house. DaNae and I went out and replaced the flowers and attempted to tie on the balloons we had written on. Unfortunately, the wind and the dry grass caused them to pop before we even left the cemetery. Oh, well - at least we got a photo before they popped. And it was therapeutic for me to be there during the time that Karinne "danced peacefully on to meet Jesus" - exactly one year ago.

Shortly after, we got ready to go shopping for new flowers and plants for Karinne's garden. We headed to nearby Colby for lunch at a restaurant and plant buying at 2 greenhouses. Both of which were made much easier by leaving Ian at daycare. We spent a couple of hours shopping and deciding on flowers and plants for Karinne's garden. Here are some of the new plants we brought home. If I were rich - there would have been a lot more!

When we got back home - we picked up Ian and then let the kids play in the new kiddie pool we had also picked up. It was almost 90 degrees by the way! And then I started planning out where the new plants should go and got a few of them in the ground. Mostly I did a lot of sitting in garden in the glider seat - thinking, reminiscing, and enjoying the shade on a hot afternoon.

My sister Valerie stopped by to drop off this lovely flower arrangement she had gotten for Karinne's birthday. It was actually from all three of my sisters. Thanks Krista, Valerie & Jessica for getting us such a sweet birthday gift for Karinne's garden.

As we ate our supper, we watched the slideshow videos from Karinne's funeral. (The ones at the top of the blog on the "home" page.) It was sweet and special to watch them together as a family and hear the kids comment on their baby sister. They really do miss her! I was amazed at myself not totally breaking down in tears watching the videos. God was certainly carrying us through this day as he had one year ago. Aside from the tears of the early morning, an amazing peace had fallen over me throughout most of the day. Thanks to all of you who were praying for just that.

After supper and near sunset, we went out to the cemetery to bring a piece of birthday cake and a gift to Karinne's grave. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her once more and finished eating her birthday cake together as a family.

DaNae and I had picked out a new pair of "Dancing Shoes" for Karinne's grave. My mom had placed a little white pair on her grave last May and they stayed there throughout most of the year until one blew away. So we thought it was time for a new sweet pair to take their place. Oh, to see you dancing in heaven Karinne!! What a beautiful thought!!

Thanks so much to all of you who remembered us on Karinne's birthday with cards, little gifts, emails, text messages, and prayers. We really appreciate knowing that although she is no longer here with us - Karinne has not been forgotten. And her birthday was a truly beautiful day!

Remembering Karinne For Her Birthday - Part1

2011-05-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, May 8th, we had a celebration with extended family and friends in honor of Karinne's birthday. It worked out well that the grandparents, aunts & uncles, and cousins were in town for our son Noah's and my niece Jaelle's 6th birthday party on Saturday. Then everyone came to our house on Sunday for Karinne's.

For church, Curt, the kids, and I all wore pink for Karinne. We also each wore a Karinne pin or necklace I had made from various special photos of her. I had sweet little corsages made for myself and the grandmothers too.

The service included a few special moments in honor of Karinne. It was youth sunday - where the high school youth group kids did everything for the service. Since we are dear friends with the youth minister and since I have several of the kids in my art classes - I had requested that I would love it if there could be some special touches to the service for Karinne. During worship, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name" which holds special meaning to our family since we sang it at both the prayer shower and the funeral last year. Later, several of the girls sang "In Your Hands" (on the playlist) and sweet Hannah read a beautiful dedication to Karinne before they started. It was SO lovely and special. And of course - it all made me cry.

We ate a yummy meal at our house after church and then hurried around to meet friends out at the cemetery at 2:00 for a balloon release. When we pulled up to the cemetery and saw how many cars and people were gathered there - I was overcome with emotions. It was just SO GOOD and SO OVERWHELMING to have so many there to remember Karinne with us. My sister Jessica passed out balloons and we passed around markers to write on them. We had filled 50 balloons and used them all - so we had right at 50 people there!!

I turned on "Blessed Be Your Name" on our van stereo and we sang along with it as we let the balloons go. What a lovely sight! Then we played "I Will Carry You" as we watched the balloons fly away to the north and Curt & I walked around sharing hugs with everyone and thanking them for coming.

It was a very emotional time but a special time too. And also a very HOT time! Believe it our not, it was nearly 100 degrees that afternoon, so we were all plenty hot and icky by the time we left the cemetery!

The other special thing we had planned for the day was to make garden stepping stones. We had the kids plan theirs out while the cement set up a bit.

Unfortunately, we had a combination of things go wrong: too much gravel in our cement mix making it difficult to push the embellishments down AND waiting too long to do it so most of the stones got too hard. So we were only able to decorate 4 out of the 13 or so tha we had mixed up. Oh, well - live and learn - and we'll try again another day.

At the end of the day, it was time for cake. Oh, how I wished Karinne could have been there to blow out her candle and get all messy. It was hard and strange to have the cake without a cute little one-year-old to enjoy it. But it would have been even harder for me to have NOT made one for her. At least I was happy with how cute the cake turned out. A sweet cake for my sweet girl!

We gathered the siblings and cousins around for a photo - like we always do. And we sang "Happy Birthday" to Karinne. That was VERY hard for me to get through. Then we let the kids blow out Karinne's candle. Oh --- if only..........

It was a special day. It was a hard day. It was a day I wish could have been different. But it meant a lot to me to honor her with family and friends as we did. Thanks so much to all of you that were a special part of our celebration of Karinne's life.

Happy 1st Birthday Karinne

2011-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

My beautiful daughter Karinne was born one year ago today.

5-10-2010 at 10:20 in the morning

I don't know how to write this post. So many things going through my mind. Remembering last year - the moments leading up to Karinne's birth and everything that followed. Too many emotions, too many thoughts, too many feelings to really share any of them with all of you.

Missing my Baby Girl like crazy!

Wanting to write something powerful and beautiful - like Karinne and her brief but mighty life.

But there are no words.

So for now - I'll simply share a few photos of the cake I made for her birthday. I make cakes for all of my kids' birthdays. So it just felt right that Karinne would have a cake as well.

Pink & Brown - Complete with pink dancing shoes for our Little Dancing Girl

I'll share more later about our celebrations for Karinne's 1st birthday. For now - please pray that this day will go gently on our hearts. And that God will continue to carry our family through this difficult journey as He has for so long now.

So hard to believe it has been an entire year. And yet, it feels like a hundred since I held my baby girl.

Miss you SO MUCH Karinne!

And LOVE YOU beyond words!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to OUR PRECIOUS CHILD!

Her Stone is In!!!

2011-05-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today I wanted to tell everyone how very excited we are that Karinne's stone is FINALLY INSTALLED!! And it turned out beautiful!

We have been hoping that the stone would be installed in time for Karinne's 1st Birthday on the 10th. So I was very happy and overcome with emotion when I got a call that the guys were out there installing it Wednesday morning. They wanted to make sure which side of the stone we wanted the vase on. I just happened to be on a break at school so I drove out there real quick and called Curt to meet me. It was a cold and blustery morning, so we didn't stay long. But it was an oddly amazing feeling to see the stone ready to go in.

Wednesday evening we went out to the cemetery as a family to see how it turned out. And to rearrange all of the decorations. On Monday, Ian - our 3 year old - had been playing with his Easter eggs and decided he wanted to take some of his eggs out to Karinne's grave. How sweet! Made me cry. Anyway - it was too rainy on Monday - so we took some eggs with us on Wednesday. Such a strange and sad thing to fill Easter eggs for my baby girl with rocks to keep them from blowing away instead of candy she could munch on. But still a good feeling to have eggs out there for her.

The photos really don't show just how lovely it is. There is so much depth and beauty to the polished areas. And the entire stone has these amazing sparkling flecks that catch the sun. It looks different in different light too, depending on the time of the day.

There's room left at the bottom for Little One's name to be added someday. The footprints are from Karinne's actual footprints and are the same size as her tiny precious feet. I love how the sun shone over the top of the stone in this photo.

DaNae and Noah were so excited when we talked about how the stone we chose comes from the Black Hills of South Dakota and the Mt. Rushmore area. We went there on a family vacation 2 years ago and will certainly visit there many times in the coming years for a silhouette shooting competition Curt attends every summer.

As we got ready to leave that evening, Curt and I agreed that it was a really good feeling to have it there. Like we hadn't quite done right by Karinne until that moment. I figured I would break down and cry seeing it in place. But I didn't. I just felt pleased that it was there. Of course, we still certainly wish there wasn't any reason for it in the first place. But we're glad it is there in time for her birthday.

4D Sono of our Little One

2011-04-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to show you a few photos of our beautiful Little One. We were blessed to be able to have a 4D sonogram over the weekend and get to see how cute and amazing our Little One is growing up to be. Wow - just look at that face!!!

With the long weekend, we were able to make a quick trip to Wichita on Friday and Saturday to visit our special friends at Choices Medical Clinic who we met through our journey with Karinne. Martha was SO sweet to let us stay with her on short notice and to do the sono on Saturday morning. Denise met us for the sono and they were both ecstatic to share in this joyous occasion of viewing our healthy baby!

Little One's eye looks a little funny in a couple of the photos. But Martha & Denise assured us that was normal.

We took the kids too. And they really enjoyed getting to see their new little sister or brother on the big screen. Of course they also loved staying at Martha's big house, watching a movie in her "theater room", going to Chuck E Cheese, and visiting pet stores to pick out a beta fish for Noah's birthday on the 2nd.

Kissin' that Bicep!

Now, I have to admit - it was strange and bittersweet at times to be back in that room. That place where we went through so many emotions during our pregnancy with Karinne and where we watched her "grow up" before our eyes. It even felt a little wrong to be there again - almost a year since our last sono with Karinne - but this time with a healthy baby wiggling in my tummy. Leaves me with the feeling once more - "oh how I wish we could raise them both."

We are actually supposed to have a diagnostic sonogram this week on Wednesday as well. I am trying not to let my fears get the better of me - having been told and shown that everything looks great with our Little One. But I can't help but fear that we could still be given bad news. I would definitely appreciate your continued prayers for the health of this adorable child.

Surviving Prom Week

2011-04-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

Well - It's over and done with for another year. My 11th year as prom sponsor went pretty well all in all. It was exhausting, but we had a great group of juniors and I had an excellent assistant sponsor in Dayna. Curt was great with taking care of the kids. And DaNae & Noah did a great job of playing and staying out of the way all of the times they were there hanging out.

I just wanted to share a few photos of all of our hard work. And show off the baby bump of our Little One and I - all dressed up for prom.

Amazing what a lot of cardboard, foam, lights, netting, and hot glue can turn into. And amazing that someone's job is to come up with all of these prom kits.

We had 2 of these archways. And although very attractive, they were not at all sturdy. One actually got knocked over by an unsuspecting couple at the promenade. Oh, well. No one got hurt and it gave us a funny memory from this prom - that's for sure!

I always try to "match" the prom - at least a little bit. This year it was a turquoise ribbon above my baby bump and a fused glass necklace I made in one of my art classes.

And Turquoise Nail Polish - which Ian says is pretty and DaNae says is very ugly. =)

It really was a good week. I'm so thankful for that and thankful for all of your prayers that helped me along the way. I did find myself overcome by emotions though and boy the tears did flow - in quiet moments to myself - remembering prom a year ago. My baby girl Karinne's one and only prom and the time I spent with her in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. It's a strange sense of deja vu to be pregnant again - to wear a maternity dress again - to have people catering to me during decorating again. So hard. So bittersweet. So very up and down.

And Karinne's 1st birthday is just 3 weeks away. So very hard to believe. Miss you Baby Girl!!!

Aurelia Update

2011-04-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

It is with a heavy heart this morning that I share the news that little Aurelia Rose DeWolf was born into heaven last night at 9:45 pm. Please continue to pray for her family as they begin this "afterwards" part of the journey - that God's peace beyond all understanding would surround them and carry them through their grief. They plan to post more about her birth at their caring bridge site and you can show them your love and support in their guestbook there if you'd like.

Aurelia's Caring Bridge Site

To "Faithful One"

2011-04-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Hi all -

I'm writing a quick post to "Faithful One" who commented on my recent post about Aurelia. I looked and looked, but couldn't find any other info about you or a way to contact you. But I would love to share with you about my experiences while pregnant with Karinne. I'm so sorry that your daughter has also been diagnosed with acrania. Please send me an email at kdlarshus@yahoo.com so I can give you more info. Hugs & Prayers!!!

Aurelia's Birthday

2011-04-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write real quick this morning to ask for prayers once again for Katrina, Matt, and baby Aurelia. Katrina is in the process of induction today and hopefully they will be meeting their baby girl soon. I haven't heard any news yet today, but am praying and hoping and looking forward to hearing about her arrival!

I had sent Katrina a package of "Lasting Impressions" materials so that someone could make them of sweet Aurelia when the time comes. And I included my phone number in case they have any troubles. Matt's parents actually called me last night to ask a few questions ahead of time. It was so emotional for me and also such a blessing to hear of how little Aurelia has impacted so many lives. And how Karinne's story has helped and impacted them as well. Sure wish I could just snap my fingers and be in California to do their impressions and meet this amazing family!!!

Please keep all of them in your prayers on this most difficult - and yet hopefully beautiful of days. And I will update with news when I have it.

April Randomness

2011-04-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well, today's post may be a little random....a little here and a little there.

Yesterday, I spent time with some of my family for my beautiful niece's 3rd birthday. And my sweet littlest niece and nephew were there too. Jonah is now 10 months - and walking. And Hallee is almost 9 months and crawling around. They are both as cute as can be. Of course, as always, I found myself thinking at times that there should be 3 babies. But it wasn't as painful as it once was. (Thank You Lord.) And I don't know why, but I can't seem to imagine what Karinne would be like had she been able to stay. For some reason, I can only imagine her the way she was - tiny and fragile - broken and yet oh-so-beautiful in her own unique way. I guess it's comforting to me in some ways and it gives me a kind of peace knowing that I accept her just the way she was. That I don't try to imagine her any other way. Not that I don't wish things could have been different. But I accept it - or as last week's song post - "It Is Well With My Soul."

This week is 20 weeks with our Little One. In many ways, it's hard to believe that we are 1/2 way there. We have so much to do....... I've been able to feel his or her wiggles for a couple of weeks now and it's a wonderful feeling. And yet - - it brings tears to my eyes too - - remembering how much I loved and cherished Karinne's movements this time last year. Yet another bittersweet part of this journey. Oh, how I would love to be able to raise them both.......

Boy - I'm making myself cry here. That wasn't really my plan when I sat down to write tonight.

I wanted to also request prayers for a couple of families tonight. A while back, I told you about sweet baby Aurelia who has acrania. Today marks 40 weeks!! I'm so happy for Katrina and Matt that they have been able to carry her to her due date. And I ask you to join me in praying for an easy delivery and for precious time with their precious little girl. You can send them your love at their caring bridge site by clicking here.

Please also say a prayer for baby Abigail's parents. Abi has anencephaly and is currently 34 weeks along. I "met" her mother, Melissa, through Denise and the perinatal hospice team at Choices Medical Clinic and have been emailing with her today. Abi is their first child and they are really struggling with the decision of having a vaginal or cesarean delivery. I offered her my own experience and also insight I gathered from several other moms last year when I was asking the same agonizing questions. Please pray that they would be able to make the right decision for their family and to know God's will for Abigail's birth. And that if they decide to go cesarean - that their doctor will be understanding and supportive. It's SUCH a hard decision. Just breaks my heart for them. Pray for PEACE above all about whichever way they decide to go.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind a few prayers coming my way either. April is my crazy month at work. As a high school art teacher - I have 3 art shows between now and May 2nd. Setting up and taking down. Traveling to shows and taking students with me. AND next week, I will be sponsoring my 11th Prom - supervising and task-mastering all of the decorating ALL WEEK LONG - and sponsoring the banquet and dance on the 16th. I could sure use your prayers that things would go smoothly, that I can stay rested, fed and hydrated, and that my family can keep from going crazy while I do so. =)

Honoring Our Angels

2011-03-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

Monica - a sweet angel mom - has spotlighted my blog on her own memorial blog today. It turned out lovely and I greatly appreciate her interest in posting about Karinne and our journey with her. You can see Monica's post by clicking on Honoring Our Angels. It's all info that's already posted here, but feel free to browse the rest of her site. She has great ideas for honoring our angels and has featured many other amazing families of little ones gone too soon! Thanks Monica!!

It Is Well With My Soul

2011-03-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I have thought about explaining some of the songs on my playlist - their specific meaning to me, stories behind when and where I first heard them, etc. Last week, Holly shared a lovely post on her daughter's memorial blog about one of the songs on my blog list- It Is Well With My Soul. I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I shared it here and she approved.

I'd heard the story about the origin of this song while I was pregnant with Karinne. At her burial, our minister shared a shortened version of the song's history, then we passed out a copy of the words and everyone joined us as we sang it acappella. It was hauntingly beautiful and oh-so-appropriate.

Saying Goodbye

When I was searching for songs to put on my blog's playlist, I was so pleased to find a beautiful instrumental version of this special hymn. In fact, if you have your sound turned on, you should be hearing it right now. There is also a more contemporary version of the song with vocals further down the list.

From Holly's blog, Caring For Carleigh: The story behind this hymn - tragic, yet beautiful:

"This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled, 'It is well with my soul', you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words, "When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of Spafford's life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.

Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because of Horatio's legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords' only son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.

Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest -- DL Moody needed the help. He was traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French steamer 'Ville de Havre' across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned. He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read: "Saved alone."

On November 2nd 1873, the 'Ville de Havre' had collided with 'The Lochearn', an English vessel. It sank in only 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had been rescued, Mrs. Spafford's first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her, "You were spared for a purpose." And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, "It's easy to be grateful and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God."

Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father's voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. "A careful reckoning has been made", he said, "and I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep." Horatio then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn."

Taken from here

Horatio and his wife later had 3 more children - 2 daughters and a son who died in infancy. They moved to Jerusalem and founded a mission that served the poor.

Can you imagine going through everything he went through and still saying, "It is well"?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I Am Supposed to Be Doing This

2011-03-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I had the honor of holding the tiniest hands I have ever held. Unfortunately, I held these precious hands as I was making "Lasting Impressions" of a sweet baby girl born far too soon at 23 weeks. I also got to meet her parents and offer the hugs of a stranger who understands too well the difficult task of preparing arrangements funeral arrangements for their baby girl.

For those of you who don't know or who might have forgotten, I started a ministry in October of using part of Karinne's memorial money to provide a gift for bereaved families that I have called - "Lasting Impressions." This gift involves making 3D plaster castings and impressions in clay of their precious baby's hands and feet. Sadly, since October, I have had the honor of holding the hands of 5 sweet babies gone too soon. 1 Boy and 4 Girls. It doesn't seem appropriate for me to share photos of their impressions. But so you will know what I mean - here are photos once again of some of Karinne's impressions:

I have writen the following in the letter I give to each family:

"Our tiny babies gone to heaven too soon leave a lasting impression upon our hearts. It is my sincere prayer that these “lasting impressions” of your child’s hands and feet will be a treasured memento of the impact they have made in their all too brief life. I pray also that they will bring you some measure of comfort on the difficult journey you now find yourself traveling.

"Please accept these gifts in honor of our beloved daughter Karinne. She was diagnosed with a fatal anomaly called acrania in December, 2009 and was born and went to heaven on May 10^th, 2010. As part of Karinne’s legacy, and in an attempt for her life to continue to make a lasting impression, I have started this ministry of creating these special mementos for other families experiencing the sudden loss of a baby.

"I consider it an honor to have been able to make these gifts for your family and to have held the precious hands and feet of your beautiful baby. I continue to pray for your hearts as you mourn the loss of your precious child."

I have connected with these families through Brooke - the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer who took photos of Karinne. She has called me when she has taken photos for a bereaved family - and so far it has worked out each time for me to make impressions. When she called me on Thursday, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go. This baby was 23 weeks. Just 5 or 6 weeks older than the baby I am carrying. Could I really do this? Then - it seemed like nothing was falling into place to go. My husband was too busy with work to watch the kids. (We were out of school for spring break.) So I would have to find a sitter. And all of my friends who had gone with me previously to help were unavailable. Plus - it was a 2 1/2 hour drive one way and we were supposed to leave for the weekend. I was very close to saying - "I just can't make it work this time."

But I prayed - "God, if I'm supposed to do this - please help things to fall into place."

I had impressions that I needed to deliver that I had made almost 2 months ago and that would be on the way. So I texted the mother to see if she was available. She wrote back:

"Yes of course...I'm so excited to see them."

"Okay God - we can make this work. . . . " A friend was going to be able to watch the kids. And I decided I would be able to do it on my own this time with the size of the baby. So off I went. And it was the most touching experience I've had yet while doing this ministry.

Always before, I have made the impressions at the funeral home while the mother was still in the hospital. And then I have met the family later when I delivered the finished impressions. But this time, they were there at the funeral home making arrangements. And they wanted to meet me. I was nervous about how difficult it would be. But it was an amazing blessing - for them and for myself. Emotional - but beautiful too. Hugs....and tears....and sharing about Karinne....and more tears. So heartbreaking to lose their first child in such a way.

On my way back I received the following text message from this sweet baby girl's father. It touched my heart in so many ways:

"I wanted to tell you thank you for what you did for us in regards to our daughter. It was truly a blessing. Thank you. Your acts of kindness towards total strangers are what reminds me that there is still hope and love in this world. May God bless you for your acts of kindness."

Sigh - - And Tears

"Yes - I am Supposed to be doing this. Thank you God for this blessing."

Then I delivered the previously made impressions to a precious young momma who was so OVERJOYED to have them. It was so moving to share them with her, to talk with her about her beautiful daughter, and give her heartfelt hugs. My heart just broke for her and the sadness over the unexpected and perhaps preventable loss of her daughter.

Once again - complete and total reaffirmation that "Yes - I am Supposed to be doing this." In Karinne's honor. And for His Glory.

Please pray for these families!

Rainbow Baby?

2011-03-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

First of all - THANK YOU to all of you that have posted such sweet and supportive comments this week on the news of our new baby's great-looking sonogram. We have continued to feel such joy and thankfulness that God has blessed us so abundantly. It has been a pleasure to share this joy with all of you.

Many of you that read my blog may have noticed the name "Rainbow Baby" above our little countdown to baby on the right side of the screen. And some of you have probably wondered what it meant. So I figured I should explain it here.

I remember reading this term about a year ago when a mom on the ABFA forum (Anencephaly Blessings From Above) announced her new pregnancy. And I remember wondering what she meant. In simplest terms - in the baby loss world - the term "Rainbow Baby" refers to a subsequent pregnancy after a loss.

I have borrowed the following from my sweet friend Melissa's blog to explain it more beautifully:

"Below is the best definition I could find...

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

A rainbow we saw from our backyard shortly after Karinne's birth.

Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

It's Official!!!!

2011-03-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

Yay!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! I just heard from my doctor that "EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD!!!!!" We are so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness!!! Thanks everyone for all of the prayers and support. What a GREAT feeling!!!!!!!!

I was afraid to share the photos until I heard the official news. But now I can share - Photos of Our Beautiful New Little Blessing......

LOVE that round little head!!! And Cute Profile

I'll give some explanations for those not well-versed in the deciphering of sonogram images.

Here's a shot of all of Baby - Head in profile on the right with fingers up by face, torso in the middle, and legs curled up on the left.

A view from the top - Baby's arm and hand near body


Image of Baby's leg curled up tight - Kicking him/herself in the bottom

LOOKS Good

2011-03-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a quick note about the sonogram today. Everything LOOKS good from what we could tell. Hopefully we will get official news tomorrow at some point once the images are read by the radiologist they have to send them off to. But we are breathing at least a partial sigh of relief that things LOOKED good to us and to the sonogram technician. We saw a very round looking skull and all of the organs were present and accounted for.

YAY!!!!!

Like I said - nothing is official yet. But looked good so far.

Thank you to everyone for all of the prayers. Please keep em coming!

I will post again when we hear the official news. And I will try to put up pics from the sonogram soon too.

Oh, and by the way - we did NOT find out the baby's gender - in case anyone is wondering. Call us old fashioned, but we may not find out at all. Or we may find out later - but not tell anyone. Sorry folks! Hope you can all handle the suspense! =)

Sonogram Tomorrow - Hopefully

2011-03-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

I've been having trouble finding words to share this week. But I've wanted to share these photo cards for a while - so today is the day. These are the cards I sent out with our very late Christmas cards. People actually received them on Valentine's day.

Karinne's card is actually like a VERY late birth announcement card. I added the footprints and two more photos to the image at the top of the blog. I have been meaning to get around and add her footprints to the blog image too, but haven't gotten it done yet. Love those little footprints!!

The other card shows each of the kids on their birthdays this year. The older 3 posing with their birthday cakes that I made them, although you can't really see the boys' in these photos. I was just telling my mom the other day how I wish I had made a cake for Karinne's birthday - to have had at the hospital. I would sure love to have a photo of her with a special birthday cake I made just for her.

So let's see - I've had some rough moments this last week - not too many but a few. I've been trying not to stress too much about our upcoming sonogram. We are supposed to have it tomorrow. If the snow doesn't prevent the traveling technician from getting here. We have a snow day from school today because we have about 4 inches on the ground already and are forecasted to get 8 to 10 with wind. So - I'm trying not to get my hopes - or nerves - up too much in case we get pushed back AGAIN.

Tomorrow is March 9th - another sonogram on a "9th". (It was December 9th, 09 when Karinne was diagnosed with acrania.) I'm really trying not to let this freak me out too much. And then the next day is the 10th - Karinne's 10 month mark. So hard to believe her birthday is coming up so soon. And we'll probably hear back from my doctor that day the official news from the sonogram - once she hears back from the radiologist.

A couple of other things have happened this week that have shaken me a bit - which I'm not ready to share here yet. (Sorry.) But I would really appreciate your prayers for our sonogram tomorrow (hopefully) - that it would be ALL GOOD NEWS with our new little baby. So that Curt and I, the kids, and all our loved ones can breathe a huge sigh of relief. And begin to make plans for the future that hopefully include this new little one getting to come home with us to stay.

Dr. Appointment

2011-03-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

I just thought I would let everyone know that my doctor appointment went well today. We got to hear Baby's heartbeat. Strong and fast. And my doctor said - "very wiggly!" It was so GREAT to hear that beautiful sound! I figured I would cry just to hear it - but I just smiled as I listened. Ian came with me to have his ear checked, and his face lit up to hear it too.

We have tentatively scheduled a sonogram for next Wednesday. It's good to know when it will hopefully be. A traveling sonogram tech comes to our small town hospital every Wednesday. So I guess that's when we will be having it - unless something comes up. I'm really hoping that it will be the same tech we had at the 9 week scan. She was wonderfully friendly and open with us about what she saw. That would be a huge blessing!

I'm sure I will become more and more nervous as Wednesday draws near. But it will be such a relief when we hopefully find out our baby looks healthy so far.

Thanks for all the prayers!

Snow Fun

2011-03-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

All winter long, we have been planning to build a snowman and snow angels out at the cemetery for Karinne. And all winter long, with each passing snowfall, for one reason or another we haven't gotten it done. Well finally, on February 11th, my birthday, I decided I wanted to go out and do just that. Here are some photos of how our afternoon turned out.

We all took turns making snow angels and posing for photos. I decided not to share the ones of Curt and I on the ground! =) It was a lovely day with the temps in the 40's. The snow was almost too moist for snow angels. But we got them done.

The warm weather made the snow PERFECT for snowman making. Our little "Snow Girl" came together quite nicely with various decorative touches we brought from home.

Isn't She Cute!!

The snow was also PERFECT for snowball fights. When we were finished with the snowgirl, we spent some time having a snowball fight and playing catch with the snow balls. Once more, it was great to be the only grave in our area. We were all over the place out there!

Before we left, we decided to make Karinne's name in the snow a few more times. This next one is one DaNae made.

And this last one, Curt and I made with our boot tracks in the snow. It was so big, Curt had to climb up on top of the blazer to take the photo. And it was actually TWO photos that I photoshop-ed together. Oh, how I love to see her name!

Oh, and - I finally have my doctor appointment tomorrow - Wednesday - that was rescheduled from 2 weeks ago. Excited to hear that amazing heartbeat!! And hopefully we will finally schedule a sonogram to check if everything looks okay with the baby. I'm looking forward to those results with both excitement and nervousness - hopefulness and dread. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers.

Aurelia Rose

2011-02-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

Today as I got ready to write this week's post, I began by reading back over all of your sweet comments last week after I announced our pregnancy news. A big thanks to all of you that posted kind words of love and support! Each comment brought me such warm feelings and tears of gladness at how truly loved we are. What a blessing! Thank you - Thank you - Thank you!!

Thanks also for your continued prayers. I know at least some of you have been praying because I have felt a calmness this week - even in the midst of not knowing any news yet. I didn't get to have my checkup on Tuesday because my doctor was sick and missed a few days of work. And the soonest they could reschedule me was March 2nd! Bummer! I was SO looking forward to hearing the baby's heartbeat. We were even going to take the kids since it was an evening appointment. It would have been very neat to share that with them. Thankfully I hadn't told them about that part yet - so they weren't disappointed.

So - no news yet on when we will have our next sonogram. But I'm trying to think positively. The longer we wait, the more they will be able to tell us about the health of the baby overall. And - if it's God's plan for this baby to have issues - I am glad to have a few weeks longer of not knowing.

Today I want to share the Caring Bridge site of a sweet and beautiful family whose amazing baby girl was also diagnosed with acrania. Here's a link to their site: Aurelia Rose DeWolf

I found out about Katrina, Matt and their sweet Aurelia two weeks ago when I received an email from a dear friend of theirs named Sue:

"You don't know me but I want to thank you. When I heard that Katrina, my best friends daughter was having her first baby ... we were all so excited for Katrina. When she was about 14 weeks along she found out that the baby has Acrania. I had never heard of this. By some miracle I was lead to your web site. I forwarded your website to Katrina and Matt. You have no idea how much it has helped them. I don't know if or when she herself will contact you but at some point I am sure she would like to thank you. Your telling of your brave beautiful story made Katrina start her own story at caringbridge.org. She is due to have the baby in about 4 week and it will be bittersweet. Her last blog was she wishes she could be pregnant forever so she could protect her baby. It was so hard for us to read but so true as well. Without the courage from your writings I know this journey that she has been on would have been so much harder. She told me yesterday that she doesn't feel alone and that with her faith and the love and support of the people around her she will get through this. She said that she goes back to your web site often when she needs strength. Thank you thank you and may God bless you and your family. "

When I read this email - I just broke down sobbing for this family. Why does this have to happen to other families? And I fell down on my knees to pray for their family through my tears.

And yet - I was so glad to know how Karinne's life and her story was helping them so much. Giving them courage. And hope. And the belief that it's possible to find beauty in this impossible pain.

I have since emailed with Sue and also Katrina a little bit. I asked if it would be okay for me to post about Aurelia and ask for prayers for her family. Katrina was so grateful that I would be willing to do that. So here we are. Please take a minute to pray for Katrina and Matt as they near the end of their pregnancy with Aurelia. Also if you can, please visit their site and leave them a message of support. I know that those messages - from strangers, family and friends - were such heavenly blessings to us when they appeared on our Caring Bridge last year. Please join me in doing the same for Katrina and Matt.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3 & 4

A Valentine's Announcement

2011-02-14T18:56:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here today trying to come up with the best way - the most unique way - the most special way to share with you what I want to share with you today. It's Valentine's Day for goodness sake - I should have a sweet and sappy post. But the words just aren't coming.

So - I think I am just going to come right out and say it....

We've told our children...

We've told our families...

We've told our friends...

We've told our church...

We've told our community...

And now it's time to tell all of you.

We're going to have another BABY!!!

We are currently 13 weeks along with our sweet little one. And our official due date is August 22nd. We have been waiting to share the news until we felt ready to tell our 3 older children. We told them the big news on Friday, and although the moment of telling them didn't quite turn out as picture perfect as we imagined, they are certainly thrilled at the chance to have a new brother or sister. The boys are hoping for a brother and DaNae of course wants another sister. And they are so very hopeful that this time - our baby will get to come home to live with us.

We are filled with joy and also a lot of nerves as we share this news. We will be having a sonogram in the next week or two to rule out acrania or anencephaly and would greatly appreciate your prayers for a beautifully round little head to show up on that sonogram. Of course I now have the disadvantage of knowing of "a thousand other things that could go wrong." But I am just trying to trust that everything will turn out okay.

Again - we would so greatly appreciate your prayers for the safe and healthy arrival of our 5th child in August. And your prayers for our family as we continue to mourn the loss of our sweet Karinne - whose "footprints on our hearts" couldn't possibly be filled by any other.

Proof

2011-02-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

First off - My family is mostly all healthy this week! Thank you all for the prayers. I stayed home all week except Friday as the boys recovered. I ended up with a VERY sore throat on Thursday, but it's mostly all better now. And thankfully the other 3 of us were spared of the nasty stomach stuff and exhaustion. And we also ended up having snow/cold days on Tuesday and Wednesday. So I only ended up having to take off 3 days total - instead of 5. So glad to be back to health!!

I had an email conversation last week that I wanted to share with you all today. It has been on my heart ever since and I felt it was important to share it with all of you.

From a dear loved one:

"I read everything that you post on Karinne's blog and I am always blown away by the things that happen that you write about. I bawled when I read about the man at the cemetery. What a neat experience that turned out to be.

Your experience through all of this has made it harder and easier to have faith. Do you know what I mean??? Terrible things like this make me think, what kind of God would put such wonderful people through something like this? I am sure you have had those thoughts too. But then you have had the opportunity to touch so many lives through your experience, and there have been so many little things, like the story of a stranger that make you think, that couldn't just be a coincidence.

I am not going to lie to you and say that I have strong faith. I know that I should believe, and I want to believe, and I do believe, but sometimes it is just so hard to believe. You have had incredible faith through all of this. It seems like your faith has been one of the only things that has allowed you to be so outwardly strong. I know you have probably been dying inside, but you have always seemed so strong.

I look at that from my side and wonder what would I do? I am afraid to think how I might handle something like this. You have used this as an opportunity to bless other people. It is sad that other people have lost babies and are going through similar experiences, but your faith seems to be so helpful to so many people. The families that you have been able to make impressions for will always cherish those items and will always remember the wonderful mommy that came and blessed them. That is amazing. What a beautiful tribute to your little girl. I can only imagine that was God's plan. It is terrible that you had to feel so much pain, but you, your family and Karinne have touched so many people's lives. You make me want to be a better mother, wife, and person and all without you even knowing it. I am confident that there are many other people whose lives you have touched in similar ways."

My Response:

"Thanks for sharing these thoughts on Karinne, on my faith, and on your own faith struggle. I appreciate your thinking I have such strong faith - and yet I know that it could be a lot stronger than it is. I struggle sometimes too with the "are you sure God is real?" type of thoughts. Like "what if He's not?" But I HAVE to believe that He IS real, that Jesus is real, and that Heaven is real. That I will see and hold my baby again one day. If I didn't believe all of that - I'm not sure I could go on, or could have gotten through all of this.

When I think about how I know God is real - one particular thing comes to mind every time. I KNOW He is real because of the proof of the day of Karinne's birth. There is NO other explanation for the peace and beauty we felt on the day of her birth and death than that God was present on that day - in that hospital - in those rooms. That He held us, carried us, loved us, and comforted us. Especially Curt and I - but also everyone else who was there for her day. There is no way we could have experienced that day the way we did without a supernatural presence. I TRULY believe that - no matter the doubts I may have had on other days before and since.

Several times I've looked back at that day and thought - "Why wasn't I hysterical? Why wasn't I bawling? How did I possibly get through all of that? And with a smile on my face?" Of course there were many, many tears that day and the deepest sadness and longing I have ever felt. But above all else - there was this overwhelming PEACE - that cannot be explained in any other way. That's my proof that God is real. And that's where my faith comes from."

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

A Stranger's Prayer

2011-01-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

First off today, I wanted to write and ask for prayers for my family's health this week. My 5 year old son Noah, has missed the last 5 days of school with what started as stomach flu, then evolved into a very congested nose and cough, and then into an ear infection and ruptured right ear drum. Poor little guy! Now our 3 year old son, Ian has the stomach flu and cough. And the other 3 of us are just waiting to get sick but hoping somehow we might be spared. We would appreciate your prayers for a return to a healthy home!

Then I wanted to share with you a story of a touching experience I had last week. Tuesday afternoon during my planning period at school, I was feeling particularly down and missing Karinne. I decided to get out of my classroom for a little while and go visit Karinne's grave. I hadn't been out there for awhile and I also wanted to go see the flowers that a dear student had placed there over the weekend from her own grandmother's funeral service. I was looking forward to a time of quiet reflection and the shedding of some tears with my baby girl.

When I turned into the drive at the cemetery and looked to the far north end, I could see a white pickup parked at the far end of the lane - just about 30 yards or so from Karinne's grave. I was very disappointed to say the least. I really wasn't wanting an audience. So I drove around slowly for a bit, waiting to see if they would leave and trying to see if anyone was even in the vehicle. I eventually decided that maybe there wasn't anyone in the pickup and went ahead and pulled up to Karinne's grave. I sat and talked to Karinne for a bit, then decided to walk around and look for the little baby shoe that had blown off of her marker. (One of a set that my mom had tied onto the marker on Memorial Day.) There was no sign of the shoe, I was starting to get cold, and was still a bit self conscious about being watched. So I returned to the car, turned on the radio and pulled out my infant loss bible study book - Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy - and began flipping through it looking for verses that had been of particular help to me last fall.

As I read, I noticed someone get out of the pickup for a moment, get back in, and begin to drive towards me. I averted my eyes - trying not to look at whoever it was - but they were stopping and rolling down their window! So NOT what I wanted - or so I thought.

The driver of the pickup was an elderly man with a kind face who said "Is this your baby, maam?"

The tears began to flow as I nodded yes. He asked if I would share with him what happened - "for you see, I'm a retired minister. And I care for people."

I explained to him a brief version of our journey with Karinne - through tears - and he met me with the most kind and sweet words. Most of which I can't really recall. He did share with me that his own granddaughter was having her own baby that day - early - to try to save the mother's life. He was hopeful that both mother and baby would be fine and I pray that was the case.

As our conversation closed, he asked if he could "say a word of prayer" over me - which I of course agreed to and listened to as the tears flowed. I don't remember many of his exact words - but they were words of love, of encouragement, and of reminders that God truly cares for our sorrows. He quoted the verse - "Jesus wept" - at the time of Lazarus' death. This was a special verse and passage in our bible study and just seemed so very fitting for the moment.

As he prepared to leave, we introduced ourselves and he promised to pray for our family as we continue to heal from this loss. As he drove away - I just began to sob - what a moment and what a blessing at a time when I really needed it! Thank you Lord for turning an uncomfortable situation into such a special moment with this stranger's prayer!

I also wanted to share the song that came on the radio as my tears began to subside: Mark Schultz' song - "What it Means to Be Loved". This song was recently shared with me by a sweet friend from church who said upon hearing it for the first time: "I thought of you and Curtis and bawled all the way through it."

I can relate to the first half of this song so much. We SO BADLY wanted to show Karinne "what it means to be loved" And I think we did a pretty good job of it. If only our journey with Karinne could have turned out the way this song does . . .

But the time we did have was worth it all the same.

(Be sure to pause the "playlist" at the bottom of the screen before starting the video)

I wanna give her the world

I wanna hold her hand

I wanna be her mom for as long as I can

And I wanna live every moment until that day comes

I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day watching every minute

And praying for our little girl

And I will not forget the way I felt that moment

When she came into the world

I wanna give her the world

I wanna be her dad

I wanna hold her close for as long as I can

And I wanna live every moment until that day comes

I wanna show her what it means to be loved

2011-01-24T19:49:00.000-08:00

I don't have a whole lot to share tonight and was struggling trying to come up with anything to post. And then I saw two very beautiful new posts on 2 other blogs whose families I LOVE and I just wanted to pass along their JOY to all of you. You can click on their names to visit their sites:

Amazing Vitoria - This sweet little girl just celebrated her FIRST BIRTHDAY last week in Brazil, having survived the same diagnosis of acrania that took our Karinne. It always puts such a smile on my face to see Vitoria growing up in the amazing love of her parents and our heavenly Father.

Amelia Grace Lorang - Sweet Amelia, who was born with anencephaly and went to heaven this summer, is going to be a big sister! AND at their 12 week scan today, her amazing parents found out that Amelia's baby brother or sister has a beautiful round and complete little head - no anencephaly! I'm so happy for them and praising God for the good news they received today!

Be Here Now

2011-01-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today's post includes an email letter and a song that my sister Krista sent to me last month on the anniversary of Karinne's diagnosis. The words she wrote and the song she shared really touched me that day and I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I shared them on the blog sometime.

Kara,

I struggled today--the past two weeks actually-- trying to think of the right thing to say to you as these big milestones approached, a task that became especially difficult after reading today's blog entry. The entry was very poignant--laced with tears and pangs of loss. Thank you for sharing it with us. I did wonder this afternoon how to say something in a response that wouldn't seem trite? Now the day is drawing to a close, the light here is nearly gone and I'm still struggling.

I'm so sorry, Kara, for the pain of this past year. I truly am. So much sadness. I so wish that Karinne were there with you now squirming in your arms or crawling around on the floor as she should be. I wish she could be there now.

At some point today I decided to resort to song--using a song to say something to you. I settled on Ray LaMontagne's "Be Here Now". I made this choice partly for the lyrics. Different ways of reading the song seem to evoke things I can imagine being part of your life in the past year-you talking to Karinne, perhaps Curt talking to you or you talking to Curt, maybe family members talking to either of you, or I can even imagine that this might be God talking to you. And the phrase "be here now" would mean different things in the different contexts. I like that complexity. But even more than the lyrics, I chose this song because of its musical quality. It's a lovely sad song that's simple and complex. Sorrowful with joyful undertones. It seemed like a song that might speak to you even just through the voices of the guitars, piano and strings. They all sound like emotions of the past year--smiles, tears, sighs, pangs of loss, hope.

I've copied the lyrics below and attached an mp3 version and a youtube clip that is also a pretty good version. I hope you can listen to one of them and that the song touches you in some healing way.

I'm thinking of you. I hope you know that.

Stay strong.

Be sure to pause the playlist at the bottom of the page before starting the video. And you may prefer to just listen to the music, rather than watching him which was distracting to me.

"Be Here Now"

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

8 Months and "Smiles From a Jelly Jar"

2011-01-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

It dawned on me this afternoon as I was thinking about how to write today's post - It's been 8 months today - since Karinne was born and left us. This is the first time that I had almost forgotten about the significance of a tenth of the month and that leaves me feeling very strange. I suppose it's a good thing - grieving wise - for the milestones to begin to have less of a strangle hold on me. And yet, as with so many things, it leaves me feeling a bit guilty too. How could I possibly have almost forgotten?

8 months means that from now on - Karinne has been gone from this earth longer than she was here with us in my womb. And that fact leaves me with such bittersweet feelings as well. But I'm so grateful for those 8 months with her and for the way her short life changed ours so much. I'm thankful that she came into our lives and became a lasting part of our family - no matter how difficult the sad parts have been.

I had planned to post today about a photo that I came across the other day - a photo that I took this summer and always thought I might write about sometime. Today seemed like as good a time as any.

Smiles From a Jelly Jar:

We ate a lot of sandwiches at our house this summer, many lunches when I didn't feel up to making anything. And peanut butter and jelly was a great standby. I don't recall just exactly when we noticed it, but I think it was within a month after Karinne left us. Formed all on its own without any help from any of us - there was a sweet little smile on the lid of the jelly jar.

How did it get there? A coincidence or not? I don't know. But I do know that the sweet little smile had a wonderful way of making me smile too - even when I was at the lowest of lows. It was a reminder to me that even in the darkest of times and on the most difficult of journeys - there are bits of joy and pieces of beauty - if only you can take the time to see them. That is certainly the way our journey with Karinne has been. Yes it has been difficult. Yes it has been the most sadness we have ever experienced. But it has also been filled with beauty, with peace, with amazing joy, and with God's presence that we would never wish away.

Praying that each of you can find your own "smiles in a jelly jar" along whatever difficult journey you may be traveling. And God Bless!

Prayer Request for Kat

2011-01-03T17:53:00.000-08:00

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write this post this evening. This afternoon I was thinking of the sweet momma Kat whose daughter Luisa was diagnosed with acrania. With the busy-ness of the holidays, I hadn't taken the time to check up on them over the Christmas break. When I visited their blog today - I read the devastating news that on December 29th - precious Luisa no longer had a heartbeat. She was born still at 23 weeks on 1/1/11 .

I write this post to ask you to lift up a prayer for sweet Kat, her husband and their two sons as they begin this "afterwards" part of this difficult journey. Oh, SO much SOONER than they expected. And if you could take the time, I'm certain Kat would appreciate your words of support and encouragement through loving posts on her blog: Our Sweet Baby Luisa.

In thinking about the earliness of baby Luisa's birth - I was struck with an overwhelming THANKFULNESS that God blessed our family with 35 1/2 weeks with Karinne in the womb and 10 minutes in our arms. I wept for Kat and her tiny baby girl taken all-too-soon. And I wept for Karinne. I'm so thankful for every moment - for every kick, dance, and wiggle - for each special memory we made during the pregnancy - for every precious sonogram photo and video - for each beautiful photo from the day of her birth - and for every amazing memento we were able to gather that day.

Happy Anniversary to Us - One Week Late

2011-01-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

December 28th was our 11th wedding anniversary. I had intended to post last week about how we spent our 10th anniversary last year. But with the craziness of the holidays and spending time with family - I just didn't get it done. So today I'm doing 2 posts - to make up for last week.

For our 10th anniversary - we made plans to go to Las Vegas to celebrate. We bought our tickets and made arrangements in October (I believe it was) to spend 4 days there and meet up with 2 couples we knew from college. We looked forward to the trip with such excitement.

Until.....

we found out the bad news about Karinne.

At first I decided I just couldn't possibly go to Vegas and pretend everything was okay when we had just found out our sweet baby wouldn't make it. And Curt understood and began checking into canceling our trip and getting our money back. Well - of course - it was too late to get a full refund and it seems like maybe we wouldn't have been able to get any of our money back. So - we decided to still go. And as it turned out, it was a blessing. Not that we were able to take our minds off of the devastating news. But that we were still able to celebrate 10 years of our marriage. And to put off the real world - even if it was just for a few days.

We debated whether or not to tell our friends the sad news about the baby I was carrying. On the one hand - it seemed like a big lie to not tell them. And yet - we SO did not want to put a black cloud over everyone's trip. In the end we decided to keep quiet. And we were so glad that we did. We were able to have a genuinely good time with our friends and make special memories with them that would have been very difficult if they had known.

One of the best things that happened on the trip was that we got to witness our good friend Mindy receive a marriage proposal in front of the Bellagio Fountains. She said yes!! It was such a special moment I'm so glad to have been a part of! And Mindy has shared with me that she was so happy to have been able to share that moment with us and to know Karinne was there for it too.

The funniest memories from our trip were when we dressed up in some of our wedding attire and went out on a walkway over the strip for a few photos and laughs. I really had to beg Curt to do this - by the way. =)

16 weeks pregnant - and I still fit into my wedding dress! Pretty amazing huh?!

It was really funny that passers-by thought we had just gotten married! We have some pretty amusing video of the congrats and whistles we got. And a funny photo of a group of college kids who asked to take a photo with us.

Looking back on that trip from this viewpoint and what seems like a lifetime's worth of hindsight - I'm so glad we weren't able to cancel our trip to Vegas. It's another special memory of Karinne's time with us that I'm glad we were able to share with her.

A Special Weekend and Special Songs

2010-12-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Shannon for this Beautiful Photo Gift of Karinne's Name on your Angel Tree. I love it!!

This past weekend, Curt and I had a really special experience meeting and visiting with 6 other Kansas families who have lost babies this past year or so. Our wonderful friends Martha and Denise, who we met through Choices Medical Clinic's perinatal hospice program, hosted a special gathering for all of the families they have worked with this past year. We had a lovely dinner together and then were able to share our babies' stories in an open and loving environment. It was such an incredible experience - getting to meet these other families and talk openly about what we've all gone through. And without the uncomfortable silences and awkward subject changes that we've all experienced in other settings when we've tried to talk about our babies. I had heard about some of the families and had contact with a couple of them beforehand. Martha & Denise had shared my blog with several of them too. It was humbling and yet oh-so-touching to hear how Karinne's story and my candid journals had been such a help to other families. It really was an amazing experience! Sending much love and big hugs to all you sweet families and Martha and Denise too.

Also with today's post I wanted to share a song and video that really touched me earlier this month. Be sure to pause the playlist at the bottom of the page before starting the music video.

A friend shared this song with me and I was watching it when DaNae came and asked me what I was looking at. So I started it over from the beginning so she could watch it along with me.

When we finished watching it, she said with a smile something like,

"I bet Karinne is in line to see Jesus."

Hmmm, so true and such a beautiful thought - sweet daughter of mine!

A good reminder of the true meaning of this blessed Christmas season.

I also wanted to share another song that touched my heart. Shared by another friend - "Christmas in Heaven"

"Oh I wonder - What Christmas in Heaven is Like. . . . ."

Karinne's Website Reaches Another Family in Need

2010-12-17T06:56:00.000-08:00

I have been deeply blessed this week - and saddened as well - to find out how our website has been of great help to another family experiencing acrania. On Monday, I received the following email:

Dear Mother of Karinne,

I simply want to say thank you for sharing  your story. I found the blog you made in memory of your sweet baby  girl, Karinne, when I googled the phrase "what is acrania".  I also have  a sweet baby girl. Her name is Luisa.  She is 20 weeks (in gestation)  old.  And we just found out, on the same day that we found out that we  were having a girl, that this sweet daughter of ours has a congenital  defect called Amniotic Band Syndrome  which has caused her to have acrania.  We were, of course, devastated and  so heartbroken.  We have been blessed with two boys but were so looking  forward to having a girl. Reading your blog helped me to have more  peace about our situation, as well as giving me some positive ways to  cope, and enjoy this precious time with my daughter.  Thank you again  and God bless.

Sincerely,

Kat

My initial reaction upon reading this was MANY MANY tears. Tears that this other family was going through this too. And tears that one of my strongest desires and greatest prayers for this website had been answered - That a family given the diagnosis of acrania could type it into google, find Karinne's site, and be inspired encouraged and strenghtened for their own personal journey. Thank you LORD for leading Kat to Karinne's site - and for leading her to contact me.

We have emailed back and forth several times this week. And we have encouraged each other. Kat shared her new blog site with me - in honor of her sweet Luisa - and I would like to share it here. Here's a link to the post where she so kindly honored Karinne and I with her gracious words: Beauty for Ashes II

Please remember Kat, Luisa and their family in your prayers as they begin this very difficult journey.

Karinne's Tree and Stocking at Home

2010-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

Today I wanted to share photos of Karinne's tree and her stocking that we have put up at our house. It has been such a comfort to me to be able to create new traditions with our family that involve Karinne - even though she can't be here with us.

The pink bunny and the white bunny are twins to the ones we placed with Karinne in her treasure box. The larger pink one plays a sweet lullaby. The angel bear was another special gift during the pregnancy.

Karinne's cute little footprints are on this lovely bulb. It turned out pretty cute! On the back side, I painted her name and birthdate on it. I keep rotating it to see each side.

We made 4 of these sweet impressions of Karinne's hand and they make such pretty ornaments. My plan is for each of her siblings to have one of these for their own trees someday.

There are 3 of these porcelain angels on Karinne's tree. Our neighbors whose children frequently come over to our yard to play brought these over one night as they were finishing decorating their tree. The mom Rachelle said, "I collect angels and have 2 sets of these. Courtney said we should give them to DaNae's family for Karinne's table." I was very touched by their thoughtfulness and think they made a beautiful addition to the tree.

The tiny little hearts with footprints that are spread throughout the tree are the remaining pocket tokens that were given to us as a sweet reminder to our family members of Karinne. They made such a cute little added touch to the tree.

The garland of ribbon came from the wagon we used to carry Karinne's treasure box out of the church the day of her funeral. Which I've probably never posted about.... We decorated my parents' little red wagon with white satin ruffles and this ribbon and used it to carry her from the church to our van at the end of the funeral. It was a sweet and symbolic way of taking her for one last special ride as a family. I've only just this week taken off the decorations and sent it home with my parents. It has been sitting in my studio room for 7 months - waiting for me to be okay with taking it apart. It was only now, with a new special use for this ribbon in remembering our sweet baby girl, that I was able to finally let the wagon go.

And of course, her sweet little pink and brown bear hat sits at the top of the tree.

And this is Karinne's Stocking:

I was very happy to find this beautiful stocking with the sparkly snowflake on it that matched the red on the rest of ours SO well. And I love that the snowflake gives hers a "heavenly" touch to set it apart from the rest. I did have to change the top from a fuzzy brown to green to match the others. But my sis, Jessica, had this material that is a great match and I think it turned out really well. DaNae was so very excited to hang Karinne's stocking next to hers. And she kept after me to get it done. I'm so glad she loves her sister so much!

The Worst Day of Our Lives

2010-12-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

One Year Ago Today - December 9th, 2010 - was

the worst day of our lives.

D Day

Doom's Day

Diagnosis Day

Death Day

The day we found out that our precious daughter would die.

I've thought about this post MANY times - thinking through what approach I would take. A depressing one? A hopeful one? Somewhere in between?

What I've decided on is posting a journal entry I wrote one month after we found out Karinne's life would be cut short. It's a journal that I've never shared with anyone before today. It tells exactly what we went through on that terrible day - the worst day of our lives. And the bitter, hopeless, desperate sadness we were feeling. Some of it is written to Karinne and some is written about her.

January 9, 2010

One month ago today, our world about you came crashing down. Silly, stupid, naïve me – I hadn’t even imagined that something could go wrong with our baby. We had had 3 easy pregnancies, 3 healthy babies, 3 beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed children. How could anything be different this time? My biggest worry had been about whether or not I would be happy with a boy when I wanted a girl so badly. And I was debating so much about finding out the sex of the baby for the first time ever. I’ve always said I wanted to be surprised & that it helped me get through labor knowing that I would soon find out. But this time I had nearly convinced myself to find out so that if it was a boy, I would have time to adjust to the idea. Silly, stupid, naïve me. I should have been praying to God that our baby would be healthy and perfectly formed, not praying that he would help me to accept a boy if I needed to. What a cruel, cruel joke.

One month ago today, we went to the Maternal Fetal Clinic in Wichita to have a sonogram with a specialist. The routine sonogram in Oakley one week before had possibly shown fluid on the baby’s brain. Dr. Christina Goodwin had called me the next night to tell us the scary news. But she was reassuring that these techs may not really know what they were seeing since they do sonos for all sorts of things besides babies. And when she talked to Dr. O’Hara in Wichita, she too thought it was far too soon to see anything like that. She didn’t even schedule us to see her after the sonogram, believing that it would just be a mistake made by an inexperienced western Kansas sonography technician. I think back & can now guess why that tech with her dark bobbed hair and cute glasses had been so quiet and not talkative like normal. She had seen something she couldn’t let on about.

One month ago today, we drove 4 ½ hours on an Oakley Schools snow day to finally find out if our baby would be okay. It had been a long almost week and despite the possible bad roads, we decided to give it a try since we couldn’t bear to wait. I think our babysitter was very nervous for us when we dropped off the kids, but she understood too. Thankfully, the roads were pretty good – nearly always clear in the driver’s lane of the interstates. And we actually had time to stop at IHOP for lunch in Salina. We talked about stopping on the way back to look for a new mattress and eating supper at Red Lobster. I was finally getting my appetite back so that sounded delicious. Too bad we were too sad & in shock to do either of those things on the way back.

One month ago today, we talked about how we needed to get started working on converting my walk-in closet into a nursery for the new baby. We intended to make some changes to the closet in our room to hold more clothes, and fix up the walk-in for a tiny but cozy baby room. We had always disliked the way it was done in there anyway, so we could turn it back into a better closet someday. I guess now, I’m glad that we hadn’t started on the project yet. But nearly every time I go in there, I think about how this was supposed to be your bedroom and how I would have decorated it with the ark & animals we had always had in our children’s nursery. And now, you’ll never sleep there, cry there, be changed there or dressed there. I’ll never nurse you there or hold you there or look in awed wonder upon your precious little face there. Ohhhh, how badly that hurts my soul!

One month ago today, we chitchatted with the Wichita sonogram tech, who seemed about my age , about how she grew up in Quinter (or was it Grainfield) and how she used to go to Oakley to do sonograms for a time. I remember seeing the baby’s face and joking about how it always looks so strange from that angle. It seems she may have gotten quieter as time went on. At some point she asked if we wanted to know the sex. We asked if she could tell. She said – “maybe.” We agreed we didn’t want to know a maybe. She finished & took us to meet with a nurse who would take our history. Thinking back – I wonder if she had told that nurse right away that something looked wrong. We guessed that she had. The nurse, a middle aged woman, was so friendly as she asked the MANY questions about both our family histories. At the time I wasn’t all that concerned about this part – it was just routine right? The only thing was, while we were doing this, the technician was conferring with Dr. O’Hara & they were looking up information about our baby’s diagnosis. And most likely trying to prepare themselves for having to tell this “nice couple” the terrible news they had discovered.

One month ago today, they told us that Dr. O’Hara was going to come meet with us. I’m not sure that it struck Curt as a bad thing, but I was more & more nervous with every second. She came in, shook our hands & introduced herself. When she sat down, I think I knew it would be bad, but did I ever imagine fatal? I think I went into a bit of shock as she spoke and it really didn’t hit me for awhile. Curt broke down before I did. It was such a surreal experience that I never imagined myself being in. They handed us a box of tissues which I suppose they sadly need more often than you would think. The nurse (I wish I could recall her name) told us of how she had lost a baby to stillbirth 30 years ago. She said you never get over it, but you give your child dignity and you honor them by carrying them to term.

One month ago today, we heard the name for a terrible congenital anomaly – Acrania. Our baby’s skull had not formed properly to protect the baby’s brain. A terminal condition. The baby would either be stillborn or die shortly after birth. We may very well go full term only to lose our precious child. Dr. O’Hara mentioned that termination was an option – but I’m so thankful to God that they didn’t push us in that direction in any way. She said that acrania was very rare, that it seems unlikely to have a reoccurrence in subsequent pregnancies, & that it was not something that we did wrong or that we could have prevented.

One month ago today, we learned the sex of our 4^th child. Dr. O’Hara gave us a little time alone to soak it in & comfort each other. Then she took us back to the sonogram machine to show us the problem. The baby’s skull should show up as a bright white rim. The white stopped at the forehead. You could see the contour of the brain – less intense & slightly bulgy. I asked Curt if we wanted to find out about the “maybe.” Meaning the sex of our baby. When she realized what we meant, she said immediately – “It’s a Girl.” This of course broke our hearts wide open & we sobbed into each other’s arms. She and the technician both agreed that even though it was early, the baby appeared clearly female. She showed us on the screen & even gave us a photo with “It’s a Girl” for a caption. She asked us her name. When we hesitated, she said it’s early to have one picked out. I said we’ve had a name picked out since our first boy. But we didn’t share it. Later in the car, through our tears, Curt said something like, “Ever since we heard it was a girl, I’ve been thinking of her as Karinne.” I cried, “Yes – that’s her name.” A month later, several family members know that we know the sex. But we haven’t shared it with any of them yet. It will break their hearts all over again to find out – as it breaks mine every time I think of losing my little girl – my Karinne Claire that I have longed for to complete our beautiful little family. A sister for DaNae and a little sis for the boys to dote over and protect.

One month ago today, we spoke with Denise (our hospice nurse & lifeline) for the first time. . . .

One month ago today, we told the news for the first time. . . .

One month ago today, we found out we would have to break our childrens’ hearts with this news. . . .

One month ago today, we thought of things we could make for our little girl. Although we barely talked on the way home, one thing we both thought of was Curt building the burial casket for our child. And I know that I want to make a woven blanket to wrap her in. And perhaps another one for us to keep. We need to start on these soon, to be sure they are done in time.

One month ago today, our dreams for our fourth child playing cheerfully with her siblings were stolen from us. Watching the kids play today, playing so well together for the most part, I couldn’t help but picture a beautiful blond little girl trying to keep up with her older sister & brothers. I realized how she won’t get to play all the imaginative make-believe games our children come up with. This morning they were all up on the top bunk – DaNae was the mother jaguar and the boys were her babies that she needed to get food & water for. Running around with capes being super heroes, playing with Noah’s dragons, building horse stalls, watching movies together, playing bucking bulls or riding stickhorses around the circle racetrack of the main floor. Just a few of the wonderful things our first three munchkins do together for fun – Karinne will never have the chance to do with them.

Today – I’ve felt her move.

It’s few, faint and far between so far the last few days.

But she’s there.

Please God – I pray that I would be able to cherish the time spent with her during this pregnancy –

her lifetime.

Christmas Decorating at Karinne's Grave

2010-12-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday - December 2nd - was the anniversary of our first sonogram with Karinne. The last day that we were blissfully unaware that anything was wrong. The following night our doctor called to tell us that there appeared to be fluid on the baby's brain and through blinding, but hopeful tears, we made plans to see a specialist the following week. As I reflected on those events from one year ago - it seemed so strange and symbolic to be doing the other things we did that day.

We signed and mailed the final design plans of Karinne's monument. It is such a relief to have it designed just the way we want it and I so look forward to the day when it is ready to be installed. I know it will be simply beautiful! (BTW - it's very similar to what I already posted here - only with a prettier "K" on the front and slightly smaller footprints on the back to be the same size as her actual feet.)

And the best part of last Thursday was the beautiful weather and how it allowed us to go put up a special tree at Karinne's grave. I had been planning to put a tree of some sort at her grave and I was inspired by a few other baby loss moms to make it really special. The photos turned out beautifully, so I have included a lot of them here to help tell the story of what we did. I know this will become a special tradition for years to come.

When we got out there, I gave each of the kids a sharpie and a couple of bright pink ornaments that they could write on for Karinne. They were each very excited to do this!

DaNae wrote Karinne's initials inside a heart and used "fancy writing" as she calls it. She also wrote her own name.

We also each had a glittery silver ornament to add to the tree - each with special meaning.

DaNae wanted an angel for hers - to remind her of her sister. This sweet winged fairy was the closest we could find. It also reminded me of a little dancing girl - which I loved!

Noah put his name on each ornament - in his cute kindergartener way - and drew an angel, a heart, and a Christmas tree.

Here is a close up of his sweet tiny angel drawing. He has drawn several like this for me and I just LOVE them! Not sure which are the wings and which are the arms - but it's SO CUTE!

Noah chose this bow for his special ornament. When I asked him why, he said, "It's like the thing angels have above their head." "Like their halo?" I said. "Yeah - like that."

Ian did his best to draw on his ornaments and I wrote his name on this one. I didn't ask him what he drew, but I should do that. Could be interesting what he might say. He was very proud of them!

Ian chose this dragonfly for his special ornament. At the store when we were picking them out, he kept saying, "I want the fly! I want the fly!" I thought he meant the butterfly one, but he kept insisting - "No - the fly!" I finally figured out he wanted the dragonfly. When I asked him why he pick it, he said he thought it would be pretty for Karinne. And he was right!

By the way - you may be wondering from these photos - "Are they really in a cemetery?" Well - we really are. But we chose Karinne's gravesite to be the farthest one out - so far. We wanted to have plenty of space around us where the kids could run and play without being on top of other graves. Although sadly, there have been several new graves go into the area lately. We have plots where Curt and I will be buried with her someday. We are hopeful that someday more trees will be planted along the center path nearby. AND - being that it's western Kansas - we get A LOT of wind. So we made sure to secure the tree to a spike driven a foot into the ground. And we secured all of the ornaments with wire wrapped tightly. Hopefully it will all stay intact!

Curt put on a deer ornament for Karinne. This is to symbolize his hobby of deer hunting and shooting sports - which he enjoys doing with his children - and wishes he could have done someday with our little girl.

And I chose this flower ornament because it reminded me of the garden we planted in her honor and the enjoyment, reflection, and "something to do with myself" that it provided me this summer in her absence and will continue to do in the years to come.

We also added a few little glittery snowflake ornaments that each have a little jingle bell attached. I figure they will make sweet music for our baby on breezy days. By the time we were finished, the sun had set - and boy! did it get chilly fast. Our hands were pretty cold by the time we left.

Such Cheesers!!!

It turned out pretty well - I would have to say. And the beautiful glow of the sunset reflected in the clouds was such a lovely and heavenly touch to the evening and to these photos.

I would welcome any family and friends who would like to add an ornament to Karinne's tree to please do so. Just please do write your name on it somewhere so we know which sweet loved one it was from. And please also make sure to attach it securely to the tree!

From Karinne's Daddy

2010-11-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today's post is a special message that Karinne's Daddy - and my amazing husband Curtis - wrote this weekend to share for a communion message at our church. When he finished writing it, he asked me to read over it. I cried - of course - and we both wondered if he would be able to get through reading it for the congregation. Then he said - "I thought maybe you could put it on the blog." I responded "I was thinking the same thing." So today I'm sharing his words here and I pray that their meaning will touch the hurting places in each of your hearts:

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and that you were able to spend some time with family, reflect on the last year, and think about the blessings God has given. In reflecting on this past year it has been a bit of a mixed bag for my family. But, something I heard while listening to KGCR last week helped me tremendously. A sermon was being given on growing in your faith and being thankful to God no matter the circumstances you find yourself in. In that sermon he said:

“When all you have is sunshine - all you have is desert.”

That simple statement touched me and helped me to look back on the last year with a different perspective. God has supplied my family with many blessings this last year. And, although there are things about the last year I would change for myself, I can also look back and be thankful for how God has touched and blessed and grown within my family over the past year.

I know and have faith that all the events of this last year, although some were difficult, were a blessing from God. I am thankful that God has blessed me with my wife and my children. I know that God will continue to bless me through them and I have faith that God will use my family, particularly my youngest daughter to bless others for years to come. I know this because through Karinne, God has brought me closer to Him.

As we come to the table this Sunday, let us be thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made so that we may be forgiven for our sins. Let us also be thankful not only for the sunshine, but also for the rain, the storms, and on occasion the fire used to burn away the unnecessary so that our faith and trust in God may grow.

Will you pray with me? Heavenly father - as we come before you this morning we thank you for the sacrifice of your son. We thank you Father for the blessings you give us. Help us to have faith and to trust in you through sunshine, storm and all types of weather, knowing that you use all things to nurture and grow us. In Jesus name Amen.

Bible Study Memorial Video

2010-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Last night was the final night of the bible study I have been doing with other baby loss moms. For the closing session, we had each sent photos and memorial items to our wonderful leader Kristie and she made beautiful memorial videos to honor each of our sweet babies. I was so pleased with how Karinne's video turned out and I wanted to share it here. Be sure to pause the music on the playlist at the bottom of the blog before you push play on the video.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This bible study has been such an AMAZING blessing to me! Being able to "meet with" and talk with these other moms who truly understand has been extremely helpful to me in this grief journey. And the book we used - Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy - provided such amazing scriptures and reflection questions that helped me work through the various emotions related to mourning Karinne. I still have a long ways to go, but this study has truly taken me to a new and better place! When I think back to that particularly difficult night in August when I was looking through various baby loss blogs and came across the "Anchored by Hope" website and read about the study - I'm just so awestruck at God's amazing ways! Thank you Lord for leading me to this group and for carrying me through the study.

I'm going to miss all of these women so much who stuck with the study since September. I know that we will keep in touch through email and our blogs, but it just won't be the same as the Sunday evening conference calls filled with words of understanding, tears and laughter. I sincerely pray God's blessing and healing upon the hearts of each of these beautiful mothers and their families: Kristie, Jamie, Kim, Michelle, Shandrea, and Susie - Love You All!!

Designing Karinne's Monument

2010-11-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

We have been in the process of designing the monument for Karinne's grave for the last few months. Little by little - here and there. Today I got the latest designs in the mail and I thought I would show you all what we have so far. I'm still doing a little tweaking here and there - but I think we are very close to the final design. Now that we have it almost decided, I'm getting anxious to have it there. Although I know it could be as long as memorial day before it is finished and installed.

This will be the front of the stone - on the slanted side


This will be on the back of the stone - on the vertical. The footprints will be from a tracing on her actual prints.


This is a closeup photo of the stone we have chosen called Rushmore Mahogany

Happy Half Birthday to Our Precious Karinne

2010-11-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

Our dear sweet girl was born 6 months ago today. In some ways it seems like far more time has passed since I last held her in my arms. And yet - to think that we are halfway around to her first birthday - just seems crazy. Time has flown by in so many ways.

Sweet Karinne - I miss your energetic kicks and wiggles, your precious long fingers and toes, your cute little lips, soft cheeks and nose, and your funny little curled ears. How I long to hold you again and to be able watch you grow up. So many times I have imagined how you would have fit into our family - a fourth little blond headed sweetie toddling around after your sister and brothers. And how much I look forward to spending eternity with you in heaven. Mmmmm - that's a sweet picture!

I thought I would share this sweet quote that I've seen on other baby loss blogs:

"They say that time in heaven

is compared to 'the blink of an eye'

for us on this earth.

Sometimes it helps me

to think of my child running ahead of me

through a beautiful field

of wildflowers and butterflies;

so happy and completely caught up

in what she is doing

that when she looks behind her,

I'll already be there."

~Author Unknown

Such a sweet way to imagine Karinne's time in heaven before we get to join her.

Happy Half Birthday to My Precious Karinne!

Love Mommy

P.S. - The making of "lasting impressions" last night went really well. They turned out AMAZING! And thankfully, I was not overcome with emotions and was able to accomplish the special task at hand. I feel so blessed to be able to share my gifts with other families in their time of unimaginable loss.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

2 Corinthians 1:3&4

Updates on Previous Posts

2010-11-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post a few updates today about posts from a few weeks ago.

I mentioned on October 25th a prayer request for Anastasha's family:

"Please say a little prayer for baby Anastasha's family - Craig and Tonya DeLisi and their 8 older children. I've gotten to know this family through the Anencephaly Blessings From Above web forum. Anastasha was diagnosed with anencephaly and Tonya is being induced tomorrow - October 26th. Please pray that they would be blessed with precious time, beautiful memories, and a heavenly peace on the birth day of their sweet little girl!"

As it turns out, Anastasha was born on October 26th, on her mommy's birthday, and their family was deeply blessed to spend nearly an hour with their little princess before she went to heaven. I wanted to update you by giving a link to the lovely blog created in Anastasha's memory. I had the honor of helping her family "beautify" the blog and tweak things here and there. It is an amazing testament to her life, to our Savior, and to her sweet family. You can see for yourself by clicking the following link: Precious in His Sight

I also wanted to give an update about the "Lasting Impressions" ministry I have started in honor of Karinne. You can read my previous post about this by clicking here.

Last week on Wednesday, I had the opportunity to meet the parents of the sweet little boy whose hand and feet impressions I made. It was a special time getting to meet them and present them with the precious mementos of their son. They seemed very pleased to receive these gifts and I continue to pray that the impressions will bring them some measure of comfort and healing on their grief journey.

Sadly, I found out this morning that I have the opportunity to make "lasting impressions" for another family. I am in the process of making arrangements to go to the same town and funeral home as last time - believe it or not. This time, the sweet baby is a girl and her life was taken by anencephaly. I know that this time will likely be much more difficult emotionally, with the similarities to Karinne. With a heavy heart, I ask for your prayers as I prepare to make these precious gifts. And more importantly, I ask that you would pray for this sweet little girl's family as they mourn the loss of their beloved daughter.

Halloween

2010-11-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

My parents visited this weekend and my mom and I went out to the cemetery to plant some bulbs at Karinne's grave. We planted pink and white daffodils, pink tulips, lavender iris, and purple grape hyacinths. It is my hope that these bulbs will survive the winter and the rabbits (who love to leave droppings) and that they will be blooming around Karinne's birthday in May.

We also removed some of the faded summer flowers and added new fall ones, pumpkins, and a little scarecrow. The boys had drawn faces on 2 of the pumpkins. I love this little scarecrow with its cute ruffle and little smile. It makes me smile to look at it - but also a little melancholy too. Kinda reminds me of my expression a lot of times. Smiling lips, but somber eyes.

Halloween last year, we were just starting to tell people that we were pregnant. I called my sister Jessica to tell her I was pregnant too. We were so excited that our babies would be born close together. I remember thinking as I was taking photos of the 3 kids in their costumes last year about what our new little one would wear this year. (Sigh) And also thinking about how excited the kids would be in a few weeks when we would tell them the big news. (Sigh again)

In spite of the bittersweet memories - it was a lovely Halloween yesterday. We spent the day with my folks and my sister Valerie's family at our house. We dressed up the kids and took them trick-or-treating. They all looked so cute! And the weather was fabulous too. Here are a few photos of DaNae, Noah and Ian in their costumes:

Ready for Trick or Treating - The boys would only pose if I let them make "Dragon Faces"

The Boys as Night Fury and Zippleback Dragons from "How to Train Your Dragon"

The Back View

DaNae as a Cowgirl

Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy

2010-10-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

This week I wanted to post a link to a radio series I listened to last week on the "Focus on the Family Daily Broadcast" called Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy. Todd and Angie Smith discuss their decision to carry their daughter Audrey to term when they were advised by doctors to terminate the pregnancy because she would not survive outside the womb. Todd is a singer in the christian music group Selah. Their song "I Will Carry You" and Angie's book by the same name have both meant SO MUCH to me on this journey.

My husband actually called me during the school day on Thursday to tell me that he was listening to this broadcast and he knew I would want to hear it. What a sweetie! I was so glad when I was able to listen to it later on their website. Their candid conversation about their journey with Audrey was so similar in many ways to our own journey with Karinne. It just really touched my heart and I wanted to share it with all of you. Especially those who have or are currently experiencing something similar. Each session is about 28 minutes long, but well worth listening to.

Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy (Part 1 of 2)

Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy (Part 2 of 2)

God Bless!

PS - please say a little prayer for baby Anastasha's family - Craig and Tonya DeLisi and their 8 older children. I've gotten to know this family through the Anencephaly Blessings From Above web forum. Anastasha was diagnosed with anencephaly and Tonya is being induced tomorrow - October 26th. Please pray that they would be blessed with precious time, beautiful memories, and a heavenly peace on the birth day of their sweet little girl!

Karinne's Lasting Impressions

2010-10-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share today about a special opportunity I had last week to help another family who recently lost a baby. Over the summer, I began thinking about meaningful ways to carry on a legacy in Karinne's honor. What could I provide to other families that was unique and that may be overlooked in the shock and devastation of a sudden loss? I thought about the special mementos that we were blessed to be able to gather since we knew ahead of time that Karinne would not be able to be with us for long. Those special items mean so much to me now that she is gone. But for so many families - the loss is unexpected - and the time to gather memories is SO fleeting! So, back in August I came up with the idea that I wanted to offer to make 3D hand and foot moldings and impressions for bereaved families. We were so blessed when Karinne was born to have a kit for this from String of Pearls and also to have our friends from Choices Medical Clinic come and create these mementos for us. So, I ordered the supplies and discussed the idea with a few people including Brooke, the NILMDTS photographer who took photos of Karinne. And then - I hoped and prayed that no one would need me - but if they did - that I would be "prepared" and "able" to make it happen.

Last week, through Brooke, I had the opportunity to do just that. I don't think it's necessary or appropriate to share details of the sweet baby boy who went to heaven last week. But I just wanted to share that I am so glad that I followed my heart and the direction that God has been leading me in starting this ministry. My dear friend Rhonda and I were able to go and make the 3D moldings and impressions and everything came out looking great - despite our nerves, our emotions, and our lack of experience. It is my sincere prayer that these precious impressions will bring some measure of comfort to this baby boy's family. And that through these tiny mementos, Karinne's life and her story will continue to make a lasting impression as well.

Please remember this family in your prayers as they mourn the loss of their tiny, beautiful son!

Karinne's Lasting Impressions:

Special Photo Gifts

2010-10-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

In honor of Karinne's 5 month mark yesterday - I wanted to post a couple of special photo gifts that were given to me by 2 very special mommies who know the pain of losing a precious baby. Both images were so thoughtfully created and just really make me smile! Thanks so much Shannon and Lynne for these lovely gifts! Feel free to click on the photos to see them larger.

Expecting Karinne

2010-10-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

One year ago we found out we were expecting Karinne. Of course, at that time we didn't know she was a she. But we were sure hoping - another girl to complete our family - 2 girls & 2 boys! And if so - Karinne would be her name - the name we had so lovingly chosen when we were pregnant with each of the boys. We were so full of hopes and expectations - and so beautifully naive to believe those dreams could come true. Sadly - as I have learned about acrania and neural tube defects - it was around this same time that the cells that should have formed to close Karinne's skull failed to do their job and her fate was sealed. If only . . . oh, if only.

We had been trying for a spring baby - wonderful for a teacher! One year ago, as that time of the month came and went, it was homecoming week at my school. It's ironic that it fell the same week this year too. By Friday, I had about decided that I really could be pregnant, so I picked up a test and made plans for when I would take it. I didn't have any time with my husband that day and wanted to share the moment with him. He was running the clock for the football game, so it would have to wait until afterwards. And we were headed up to Nebraska for the weekend for my nephew's 2nd birthday right after the game too. SO - I ended up peeing on the stick as we got ready to go and I stuck it back in the box to read in the car on the way. I remember the nervousness and excitement Curt and I shared as we debated whether or not we should look at the results yet. I think we waited at least a good 20 minutes into the drive and until the kids were deep enough into their movie not to notice anything suspicious. And then I looked at the test and sure enough - 2 LINES - PREGNANT!!!

We were SO excited, SO happy, SO full of hopes for this child. But did we ever stop to wonder if anything could be wrong? Not for a second. Did we stop to say a prayer that everything was going perfectly? Sadly - no. In fact, I think our biggest concern at the time was if we would be content if God gave us another son. We were so terribly naive, so blissfully unaware, and we so deeply took for granted the miracle of a healthy baby.

It snowed on us that night as we headed to Nebraska, which is crazy to think of today since it is supposed to be in the mid 80's here. In fact, by the next morning we awoke to nearly a foot of snow at my sister's house. We had dropped off the kids at my folks' on the way and were spending the day helping install carpet in Jessica's house after some remodeling work they had done. We worked hard that day to get it all done before the birthday party on Sunday. I remember wondering and hoping all day that Jessica might also be pregnant because of a conversation we had earlier in the summer. And sure enough - on Sunday after Jackson opened his gifts - they revealed through a video of his "firsts" that he was going to be a big brother! I was so excited that we would be having babies together again and so close together - in fact our due dates were only 3 days apart!! We kept our news to ourselves, not wanting to crowd in on their big announcement. But boy - it sure was exciting.

And now, as I spend this day in a strange sort of deja vu experience - another homecoming and another trip to Nebraska for Jackson's birthday this weekend - I can't help but feel the pain once again of what should be but isn't. There is no sweet tiny baby growing in my tummy as there was last year with the anticipation of all the good things to come. And there is no beautiful 4 month old baby Karinne in my arms.

The Weaver

2010-10-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

The following poem was sent to me by a dear church friend while I was still pregnant with Karinne. At the time, I was working on weaving the special blankets for Karinne and wrote about them in a journal entry on my Caring Bridge site entitled "Threads of Love" (which you can read by clicking here.) I thought it so amazingly and fittingly expressed the journey that we were certainly on. And now in this week's bible study chapter, the poem was included again. What a special blessing. I definitely plan to include these touching words on a scrapbook page about the weavings. I hope it touches you like it has me. . .

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me,

I cannot choose the colors -

He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

-Grant Colfax Tuller

To Speak Their Name

2010-10-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

As I've written before, I have been participating in an online bible study group through Anchored By Hope. Each Sunday evening, using an online conference call I meet with 10 other moms who have also experienced the loss of one or more babies. It has been an amazing experience so far just being able to talk with, cry with and even laugh with these other women who truly understand what it's like to lose a baby. We have shared our stories and gotten to know each other through the blogs that several of us have. And we have started working through the bible verses and grief support questions in the book Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy.

One of the moms this week made a comment that I just can't seem to get out of my head. We were talking about a question in the book that stated: "How would you like to be comforted now?" This particular mom shared that she would like for the people in her life to be brave enough

to speak her child's name.

It seems like such a simple thing. And yet, just to speak their name can mean the world to a grieving parent. When a baby dies people seem to become so afraid of causing more pain to the parent, that they think it's better to just say nothing at all. They are worried that they will make you cry or that their words will bring up uncomfortable feelings. Believe me - as this same mom stated - we would much prefer to cry with you in a genuine conversation about our beloved child than to go home and cry all alone feeling that you didn't even care.

One of the greatest fears of a grieving parent is that their precious little one will be forgotten - by family, by friends, by the world. A parent never forgets - that missing part of their whole will be gone from them forever. But it is so very important to have others remember as well. And to know that in some small way - the life of their child has made a lasting impact.

To all those who are reading this and don't know how to bring comfort to their grieving loved one - please remember how truly comforting it is to hear others Speak Their Child's Name.

Ah - Karinne - Such sweet music to my ears!

One Lovely Blog Award

2010-09-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks Melissa for including me in this blog award! Your blog is a beautiful and loving tribute to your Amazing Mikayla!

The rules for this award are as follows:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

(although it's okay with me if you don't pass the award on - I know we're all busy!)

I have chosen to honor the following blogs of fellow baby loss moms:

1. Our Angel Ella - who shares a birthday with Karinne

2. Amelia Grace Lorang

3. Lilly Elizabeth

4. Our Journey for Olivia Ryan

5. Our Beloved Vitoria de Christo - a baby born with acrania in Brazil

in January 2010 who is still alive and flourishing!

6. Eli's Valley

7. Sami's Blog

8. Carried Through Grief

9. In Our Hearts Pendants

10. Loving Audrey

Baby be Blessed Doll

2010-09-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share today a few photos of the special doll we received recently. A dear sweet baby loss mom named Laura gave us a gift certificate to Baby be Blessed Dolls shortly after Karinne was born. My daughter DaNae and I picked out the doll we wanted to have made to remind us of Karinne. And now it's here!

We think the doll turned out beautifully. I think our favorite part is the sweet crocheted flower that so closely resembles the crocheted flower on Karinne's brown bear hat that fit her so well. I remember selecting the flower option versus the bow option and hoping that it would be similar to the one on her hat. And boy was I pleased! On the doll's tummy, I had them put the scripture Psalm 139:13-16 which became such a dear verse to me.

DaNae and I had fun dressing the doll in the 3 different skirts and posing her for these photos. Thanks again to Laura for such a sweet and thoughtful gift!

What Should Have Been . . . But Isn't

2010-09-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

We had a really good weekend - all in all - celebrating DaNae's birthday and visiting with family. After Friday morning's feelings of sadness on the four month anniversary of Karinne's death, I was able to pretty well put aside my grief and concentrate on DaNae's celebrations. The birthday cakes turned out great, the party at the theater was a success - showing her favorite movie Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, and we enjoyed visiting with family.

As well as I did this weekend and as relatively good of a time as I had, of course there were difficult moments mixed in. Sometimes I just can't help thinking about what should have been - but isn't. And about what should NOT be - but is.

Baby Cousins: I spent time this weekend with my 2 sisters who also had babies this summer. My nephew Jonah was born June 3rd and is now such a cute, chubby, and wiggly 3 month old. And my niece Hallee was born July 12th and is just beginning to grow out of the newborn stage and smile and look around. I couldn't help but wish that there were 3 babies to take photos of, to ooh and ahh over, and to love. Thankfully, with time, the pain has lessened some in seeing the two of them. But there is still always the sting of knowing that Karinne isn't there with her cousins like she should be.

The Empty Carseat: My sister Jessica had spent Saturday night at our house with her 2 boys and my parents drove out to my sister Valerie's house 20 miles from town to spend the night. And they accidentally took Jonah's carseat with them. So yesterday, when we all headed out to Valerie's for the afternoon, we needed to use our infant carseat to tranport Jonah. It didn't really bother me too much to have him use it on the way out there. But it was such a strange feeling when I came out to the car to take my kids back to town and there was the empty carseat. The place where Karinne should have been. The seat that should have carried her safely from place to place. DaNae even commented - thinking we had accidentally taken Jonah's seat with us. When I explained, she said - "Oh, so this is the seat we would have used for Karinne?" Yes - if only . . . . Needless to say - I took the seat out and put it back away in the basement as soon as I got home. Someday - Lord - I pray that seat will carry another Larshus baby.

Infant Loss Bible Study: Tonight was the opening session of the online bible study I'm doing with a group of moms who have experienced the loss of a baby. We use a program called Gotomeeting to be able to hear each other talking - kindof like a big conference call. Tonight we took turns sharing our stories of loss. Of course, several of us cried as we shared, but that was okay. There are about 12 of us, I think, each with a different story, some with more than one loss. I was the only one who knew ahead of time of a fatal diagnosis. A few are currently pregnant with subsequent babies. I think it will be a valuable study - but I certainly would prefer to not have any reason to be there.

One thing that our group leader said last night that really stuck out in my mind was - "I learned that I don't have to "Get Over" the loss of my son. Because that's never going to happen. Instead, I have to learn to weave his life and the loss into my life from now on." I thought that was SO TRUE. I will NEVER "get over" losing Karinne - but I can weave her life into mine and do my best to go on from here - regardless of what should or shouldn't have been.

4 Months . . . 9 Months . . . 11 Months . . . A Year

2010-09-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

4 months since Karinne's birth and death on May 10th

9 months since we found out Karinne's fatal diagnosis on December 9th

11 months since we found out we were going to be having our 4th child on October 9th

And a year since she was conceived

It occurred to me just a few days ago that all of these dates had such similarities - and significance. In my previous life - that is, as the person I was before - I wouldn't have noticed or kept track of such dates as closely. And I wasn't so affected by anniversaries of certain days as I seem to be now. But today - the 10th of the month - I can't seem to stop thinking about the significance of the date. Perhaps someday it will have less of a grip on me - although a part of me never wants to lose this feeling.

We've come around to the time of year when so many things remind me of what was happening this time last year. And of how wonderfully naive we once were: hoping and planning for a 4th child - never thinking for a moment of what could go wrong.

I visited Karinne's grave today and spent some time there just letting the tears flow. There was a certain kind of peace there: listening to the sounds of travelers on the interstate in the distance while crickets and other insects chirped blissfully all around me and the breeze carried away my tears.

I put a photo on here of Karinne's grave - back on Memorial Day - when everything was fresh and new and the grass was still green. It looked so very pretty that day. Of course, being in northwest Kansas, the grass isn't nearly so green now, the weeds have crept in a bit, and the flowers appear faded and windblown. We still haven't made any more decisions on getting the headstone made. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around picking it out - I don't want to have any regrets about whatever we choose - so I just keep putting off doing it.

Starting Sunday evening, I will be taking part in an online bible study for moms who have lost a baby. I found out about it through a website called Anchored By Hope. We will use a book called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" that we will work through and discuss when we meet each Sunday from 7 to 9 pm. Through a website called GoToMeeting, we will actually be able to talk to each other and share our stories, hurts and hopes. I truly hope that it will be a helpful and healing experience.

On a happy note - today is also my daughter DaNae's 8th Birthday. I'm trying to work out all of my sadness during the day so that I can be a happy mom for her birthday celebrations. Tomorrow we are having a party with friends and family. It should be a special day! DaNae was so excited back in June when it dawned on us that she and her sister share the same birthday number - the 10th. She was especially happy when she was able to get a tee ball shirt with the number 10 and I've noticed she really likes to wear that shirt even now. I'm so glad that she has found special connections to Karinne.

4 Months . . . 9 months . . . 11 months . . . A Year

I miss you SO MUCH Sweetheart!

and I love you Forever Karinne

Thanks for the Prayers!

2010-09-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write a quick note to thank everyone for all the prayers the past week. I know the kids and I certainly reaped the benefits. Of course we still had some rough times, but overall - things went pretty well. And Curt got home about an hour ago. Boy were we all glad to see him!! And he was home in time to help with baths and bedtime. Even Better!

I was even able to go see a great Christian band - Casting Crowns - in concert over the weekend. Thanks to my sister Valerie and to my friend Rhonda who were willing to take the kids. And also thanks to a wonderful student Tayler who went along with me. Their song "Praise You in This Storm" - which is on my blog playlist - has meant a lot to me ever since a parent of one of my students gave me a sweet card last spring that played a clip of it. Its words touched me so much back then while I was still carrying Karinne. And wishing and praying so much that things could be different. And boy did those touch me once again at the concert. With tears streaming down my face as I closed my eyes and sang along to the words. The entire concert was such a great experience. I'm so glad it worked out to go!

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus:]

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

Prayer Request

2010-08-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well, things are off to a pretty good start with the beginning of school. I think we are all adjusting okay so far. And it really hasn't been too hard being back at school which has been a relief. Hopefully that will continue. It's exhausting though. I don't seem to have quite enough energy or time in the day.

I would like to ask for prayer this week though. My husband will be leaving Tuesday evening and not returning until Monday night to go to an annual silhouette shooting event. Needless to say - I think that it's going to be a rough week for the kids and I living a single-parent life. I ask for prayers that we would make it through the week as smoothly as possible. Pray that my stress level would be low, that my emotions would be bearable, and that my patience would be abundant!

Maternity Photos

2010-08-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I created a new page on Karinne's website where I added a few of our best photos from our maternity session.

A few friends had asked to see some more of them - so here they are. Click on the following link or on the "Maternity Photos" tab to see them. And - just click on each photo if you wish to view it larger.

Link to Maternity Photos Page

Prayer Request & New Page

2010-08-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

It has been 14 weeks since Karinne's Day. And tomorrow I return to work after a sorrowful yet beautiful summer. For those who don't know, I teach high school art and so I have been blessed to have not had to go back to work since losing Karinne. I am so glad to have had this time. But I am still NOT READY!

I write today to ask for your prayers as I start back to work. There are so many aspects of my job that I am not sure I'm ready for. I won't go into details - God knows my heart and my worries - and I am trying my best to turn those things over to him. But I know that your prayers would be such a big help. Please pray also for my family - that the transition back to school would go smoothly and that we would all be able to work through this time together.

I also wanted to point out that I have added a new page to Karinne's site. Just click on the tab "Karinne's Story" towards the top of the site to read the story of our bittersweet journey with our precious daughter.

As always - I welcome your comments of support & prayers - it is so encouraging to hear from you!