4 Months . . . 9 Months . . . 11 Months . . . A Year

4 months since Karinne's birth and death on May 10th 

9 months since we found out Karinne's fatal diagnosis on December 9th 

11 months since we found out we were going to be having our 4th child on October 9th 

And a year since she was conceived

It occurred to me just a few days ago that all of these dates had such similarities - and significance.  In my previous life - that is, as the person I was before - I wouldn't have noticed or kept track of such dates as closely.  And I wasn't so affected by anniversaries of certain days as I seem to be now. But today - the 10th of the month - I can't seem to stop thinking about the significance of the date.  Perhaps someday it will have less of a grip on me - although a part of me never wants to lose this feeling.

We've come around to the time of year when so many things remind me of what was happening this time last year.  And of how wonderfully naive we once were: hoping and planning for a 4th child - never thinking for a moment of what could go wrong.

I visited Karinne's grave today and spent some time there just letting the tears flow. There was a certain kind of peace there: listening to the sounds of travelers on the interstate in the distance while crickets and other insects chirped blissfully all around me and the breeze carried away my tears. 

I put a photo on here of Karinne's grave - back on Memorial Day - when everything was fresh and new and the grass was still green.  It looked so very pretty that day.  Of course, being in northwest Kansas, the grass isn't nearly so green now, the weeds have crept in a bit, and the flowers appear faded and windblown.  We still haven't made any more decisions on getting the headstone made.  It's so hard for me to wrap my head around picking it out - I don't want to have any regrets about whatever we choose - so I just keep putting off doing it.

Starting Sunday evening, I will be taking part in an online bible study for moms who have lost a baby.  I found out about it through a website called Anchored By Hope.  We will use a book called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" that we will work through and discuss when we meet each Sunday from 7 to 9 pm.  Through a website called GoToMeeting, we will actually be able to talk to each other and share our stories, hurts and hopes.  I truly hope that it will be a helpful and healing experience.  

On a happy note - today is also my daughter DaNae's 8th Birthday.  I'm trying to work out all of my sadness during the day so that I can be a happy mom for her birthday celebrations.  Tomorrow we are having a party with friends and family.  It should be a special day!  DaNae was so excited back in June when it dawned on us that she and her sister share the same birthday number - the 10th.  She was especially happy when she was able to get a tee ball shirt with the number 10 and I've noticed she really likes to wear that shirt even now.  I'm so glad that she has found special connections to Karinne. 

4 Months . . . 9 months . . . 11 months . . . A Year

I miss you SO MUCH Sweetheart!

and I love you Forever Karinne