What Should Have Been . . . But Isn't

We had a really good weekend - all in all - celebrating DaNae's birthday and visiting with family.  After Friday morning's feelings of sadness on the four month anniversary of Karinne's death, I was able to pretty well put aside my grief and concentrate on DaNae's celebrations.  The birthday cakes turned out great, the party at the theater was a success - showing her favorite movie Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, and we enjoyed visiting with family.

As well as I did this weekend and as relatively good of a time as I had, of course there were difficult moments mixed in.  Sometimes I just can't help thinking about what should have been - but isn't.  And about what should NOT be - but is.

Baby Cousins:  I spent time this weekend with my 2 sisters who also had babies this summer.  My nephew Jonah was born June 3rd and is now such a cute, chubby, and wiggly 3 month old.  And my niece Hallee was born July 12th and is just beginning to grow out of the newborn stage and smile and look around.  I couldn't help but wish that there were 3 babies to take photos of, to ooh and ahh over, and to love.  Thankfully, with time, the pain has lessened some in seeing the two of them.  But there is still always the sting of knowing that Karinne isn't there with her cousins like she should be. 

The Empty Carseat: My sister Jessica had spent Saturday night at our house with her 2 boys and my parents drove out to my sister Valerie's house 20 miles from town to spend the night.  And they accidentally took Jonah's carseat with them.  So yesterday, when we all headed out to Valerie's for the afternoon, we needed to use our infant carseat to tranport Jonah.  It didn't really bother me too much to have him use it on the way out there.  But it was such a strange feeling when I came out to the car to take my kids back to town and there was the empty carseat.  The place where Karinne should have been.  The seat that should have carried her safely from place to place.  DaNae even commented - thinking we had accidentally taken Jonah's seat with us.  When I explained, she said - "Oh, so this is the seat we would have used for Karinne?"  Yes - if only . . . .  Needless to say - I took the seat out and put it back away in the basement as soon as I got home.  Someday - Lord - I pray that seat will carry another Larshus baby. 

Infant Loss Bible Study: Tonight was the opening session of the online bible study I'm doing with a group of moms who have experienced the loss of a baby.  We use a program called Gotomeeting to be able to hear each other talking - kindof like a big conference call.  Tonight we took turns sharing our stories of loss.  Of course, several of us cried as we shared, but that was okay.  There are about 12 of us, I think, each with a different story, some with more than one loss.  I was the only one who knew ahead of time of a fatal diagnosis.  A few are currently pregnant with subsequent babies.  I think it will be a valuable study - but I certainly would prefer to not have any reason to be there.

One thing that our group leader said last night that really stuck out in my mind was - "I learned that I don't have to "Get Over" the loss of my son.  Because that's never going to happen.  Instead, I have to learn to weave his life and the loss into my life from now on."  I thought that was SO TRUE.  I will NEVER "get over" losing Karinne - but I can weave her life into mine and do my best to go on from here - regardless of what should or shouldn't have been.