18 Months

Today it is 18 months since my baby girl went to heaven. 

In some ways it seems like forever ago, and in so many others - it seems like just yesterday. 

What I wouldn't give to have a beautiful blond 18 month old toddling around our home and filling our hearts with joy......

The tears are fewer and farther between these days than they once were.  My blogging about her is almost nonexistent.  But the hole in my heart and the constant ache for my daughter remains the same. 

Miss you SO MUCH - Baby Girl!!  Love you SO MUCH - Karinne Claire!!

2 Months and Back To Work

Well, the time has flown by far too fast and Caiden turned 2 months old yesterday. He's getting so big and fun and more and more adorable by the day.  And unfortunately two months also means the end of my maternity leave and the return to teaching high school art tomorrow morning.  BOO-HOO!!!!  I really really don't want to go back to work tomorrow.  I will really really miss these wonderful days at home with my little man Caiden. 

I could really cry up a storm if I would let myself.  I'm going to try really hard not to do that.  I would truly appreciate prayers that everything would go as smoothly as possible - for me at work - for Caiden at daycare - for all of us trying to get ready in the morning (yikes!)  

I thought I would share a couple of photos that show how Caiden has grown and changed.  I will take a photo of him with this bear each month.  Here are the 1st 3 photos:

Caiden at 1 week

Caiden at 1 month

Caiden at 2 months

As you can see, he has grown just a little bit!  11 lbs. 8 oz  - 2 weeks ago!!!  And he's lost a lot of his hair!!

Well - Caiden is down for bed.  So I suppose I better go to bed too.  Hopefully we'll get a good night's sleep and be ready for the big day tomorrow.  Still can't believe I have to go back to work. =(

Karinne's Baby Brother

 

At long last - our Little One is here safe and sound! Our family has a new baby boy!! His name is Caiden Lee Larshus. He weighs 8 pounds 4 ounces and is 20 inches long. He was born at 9:04 am on August 15th. We are doing great so far and are SO thankful for the beautiful healthy son that God has blessed us with. Thanks so much for all of the prayers!

 

More Than One in a Million

Tonight I wanted to touch base that we are down to 5 days after today until our delivery day.  It's such a strange feeling having a set date and waiting and wondering if we will make it to that day.  This may feel like a very long week!  I've been having a fair amount of contractions here and there and we are certainly nervous that I will go into labor on my own before Monday.  Especially since my doctor is gone until Sunday!  I really, really, really want to have my planned doctor there for the c section.  But we are trying to leave it up to God - and trust that everything will turn out okay - no matter what.  Prayers please!

Oh, and - it seems we are all coming down with a yucky head cold here at our house.  Curt was pretty miserable this evening and now it has hit me during the night.  Oh, Joy!  Hopefully it will make its way out before Monday and Little One will be patient and wait!

I have added a "Follow By Email" gadget to the right sidebar of the blog.  I am hoping to phase out the use of the Caring Bridge site for letting people know about new posts.  So if you wish to continue following our journey through the blog, please sign up for the email notifications.

I also wanted to share an email and song that I received from a dear loved one this morning.   It really touched my heart and boy did the tears flow thinking about just how fitting this was for my emotions today.   I thought I would share it with all of you as well:

"Hi...We listened to our Veggie Tales lullaby CD tonight.  I hadn't listened to it since we moved.  I knew there was a song on there that was very sweet and always makes me cry.   I remember listening to it when my oldest was a baby and then I didn't listen to it as much later.  It just seems fitting with Karinne and the new baby on the way.  Karinne is more than one in a million and you'll never forget her or replace her.  And the new baby will be more than one in a million also and  you'll love that baby so much too.  

Here are the lyrics to the song.  I think you know the tune. You have probably thought of this song too.  It is just so sweet.

I love you." 

Way up above us, twinkling bright,
There must be a million stars in the sky tonight, tonight.
But don't you worry, no need to cry,
You are the only twinkle that's in my eye, tonight.
 

You're more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There's no way that I could ever forget your face,
Youre more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.
 

Through all the laughter, through all the tears,
Whenever you need me, I will be standing here, right here.
No need to wonder, don't ever fear,
Though you may wonder,
Ill always be right here, right here.
 

You're more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There's no way that I could ever forget your face.
You're more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.
Could ever come close to you

Here is the only version of the song that I could find.  It has been edited for this sweet baby, Eamon. The Veggie Tales version is better of course, but this one gives you the idea. Be sure to pause my playlist at the bottom before listening to the song on the video.  I hope the words touch your heart as they did each of ours.

 

Getting Ready

The summer has flown by and here we are on August 1st.  It's hard to believe since there were so many times it felt like August would never get here.  I have thought about so many different posts in the time since I last wrote anything.  But either I didn't make the time or the right words just wouldn't come.  

I thought today I should write a post to let everyone know that we are scheduled to have our Little One by c section on August 15th - Just 2 weeks away!  It is difficult to describe the rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, and feelings that have gone along with this pregnancy.  And the anxiety and worries that continue even as we draw so near to holding our baby in our arms.  A part of me still can't quite believe that he or she will actually get here safe and sound.  It's just so hard.

I've been occupying my time with a lot of "getting ready" types of projects around the house this summer - trying to prepare our home - and my heart - for the arrival of this new little one.  Here are a few of the projects where my emotions have been particularly up and down in relation to the continued process of grieving for Karinne while pregnant with a new baby:

Putting Away Some of Karinne's Things:  There is a small table in our dining room that I originally set up for the kids to do crafts at so that those things wouldn't always be on the dining table.  Well, ever since losing Karinne, this table has been occupied with a large variety of "her stuff" including a basket full of condolence cards, a flower press with blooms from her various arrangements, and several gifts that haven't quite found a home just yet.  One day when the kids were gone visiting grandparents, I made myself sit down and go through all of these items and put them away.  Although I still have many of her things in other places throughout the house, it was very difficult to put that tote full of stuff away in the basement.  It just felt so wrong and painful and brought many, many tears to my eyes and my heart.

Weaving Baby Blankets:  This summer I have completed 5 new blankets on my weaving loom.  2 for my niece and nephew who celebrated their 1st birthdays this summer.  1 for my son Ian - who just turned 4!  And who I had never gotten one made for.  And 2 for this baby - one blue and one pink.  Well, before this summer, the last weaving I did was to make Karinne's blankets while she was happily moving safely in my tummy.  It was certainly emotional and bittersweet to sit at the loom again.  But overall, it was very therapeutic as well.  

Making a Room For Baby:  We have been working on a remodeling project to make a room for Little One.  And things are coming along pretty well, although it has been a lot of work and a bit of a stressful mess.  The room is now all "White and Waiting" - as I've been calling it - since we aren't going to paint the room colors until after the baby is born.  It has been exciting to see the transformation and a fun project in many ways.  BUT - when I let myself go there - it's another sad reminder of what might have been if Karinne could have stayed.  We would have built a nursery for her a year and a half ago instead of now for this baby.  

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm thankful for this Little One and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to hopefully watch this little girl or boy grow up and grow old.  But it's just such a hard road.  Please pray for us as we continue "getting ready" for this new baby.  For peace in our hearts, for joy in our souls, and for love overflowing when we finally hold this Little One in our arms. 

Angie Smith Interview by Anchored By Hope

Last night, I had the chance to listen to 3 very special baby loss moms sharing about their grief journeys.  Kristie, who led the bible study I did last fall through Anchored By Hope and another baby loss mom had the opportunity to interview Angie Smith - author of I Will Carry You and the popular baby loss blog "Bring the Rain".

I found myself in tears several times listening to the radio show.  And frequently nodding my head with what they were saying.  The show is about 50 minutes long.  But I think it is well worth listening to - especially for any of you who have experienced a loss.  I think it would also be a good listen for friends and loved ones of baby loss moms - to get perspective on this difficult journey that is only truly understood through firsthand experience.

Be sure to pause the playlist at the bottom of the blog before starting the radio show:

Listen to internet radio with Anchored By Hope on Blog Talk Radio

By the way - 30 weeks today with our Little One.  Hard to believe in just 10 weeks or less we will be - God-willing - holding our sweet little 5th child in our arms.  Sure is wiggling and poking around in there as I type this!  Looking forward to meeting this little wiggler in person!  And yet - still scared and anxious about something going wrong and nervous about how much our lives are going to change with a new baby.  Still such a hard, hard road.

A Year of Monday Posts

I woke up this morning - Tuesday - and realized I had forgotten to do a post yesterday.  For the past year, I've written a post pretty much every Monday.  They began on the Caring Bridge site where at first I posted them at 10:20 in the morning to be exactly another week since Karinne was born.  And I have continued the Monday posts here on the blog.  I think I've only missed once or twice in the past year.  

I thought early yesterday morning about posting, but decided I would put it off until later in the day.  And then I forgot.  And I felt a little bit guilty this morning when I realized it.  But really, it was fitting for what I wanted to share in this post.  Today - this week - I'm giving myself permission to no longer write a post every Monday.  I've decided that it's time to give myself a little slack - and to allow myself to not feel badly about it.  I have shared Karinne's story over the past year in my Monday posts, but it is time to move forward - at least a little bit.  I've been realizing this past month - as I have grieved so deeply once again for the loss of Karinne - that I have to allow my heart to begin to let go - at least a little bit.  And that is SO HARD for me to do.  But I know now that it is time - for my husband, for my kids, for this Little One in my tummy, for myself, and even for Karinne. 

And so - I'm letting you all know that my posts will probably be less frequent and won't always show up on Mondays.  I will still continue to post and I will never stop wanting to share Karinne's story and help others to remember her.  I will certainly never stop missing her and really, I would never want to.  But it is time to give myself permission to miss a few Mondays.

I wanted to share also today about sweet Amazing Abigail who I posted about last week.  Sadly - she passed into the arms of Jesus on last Tuesday evening.  But her family was truly BLESSED to have nearly 8 1/2 days with her.  What a miracle!!  Please continue to lift her family up in your prayers as they begin this "afterwards" part of the journey.  You can visit their site and see more sweet photos of Abigail at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/abigailphillips  

And I wanted to request prayers as we go to our first checkup today with our "new" doctor.  I don't know if I have mentioned it on here, but my doctor who was with us through our pregnancy with Karinne and with Little One up til now is moving away.  =(  =(  =(  Well, we have known for the last few months that this would be happening.  And today will be my first appointment with Dr. Doug.  The good news is that we have already met him and had him for a doctor.  But the kind-of difficult part is that it was because he was the doctor who performed the c section for Karinne.  We really do like him and feel comfortable with him.  But it will be so strange and deja vu-ish to return there now with our Little One.  Please pray that the appointment will go well and that it won't be too emotional to return there with this baby.

And finally, I read the following story on another mom's site today and just wanted to share it because of how the illustration touched my heart:

 

 The Brave Little Soul

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"


God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."


The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?, he asked.


God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."


Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"


God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you."


God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.


Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. God was pleased.