Expecting Karinne

One year ago we found out we were expecting Karinne.  Of course, at that time we didn't know she was a she.  But we were sure hoping - another girl to complete our family - 2 girls & 2 boys!  And if so - Karinne would be her name - the name we had so lovingly chosen when we were pregnant with each of the boys.  We were so full of hopes and expectations - and so beautifully naive to believe those dreams could come true.  Sadly - as I have learned about acrania and neural tube defects - it was around this same time that the cells that should have formed to close Karinne's skull failed to do their job and her fate was sealed.  If only . . . oh, if only.

We had been trying for a spring baby - wonderful for a teacher!  One year ago, as that time of the month came and went, it was homecoming week at my school.  It's ironic that it fell the same week this year too.  By Friday, I had about decided that I really could be pregnant, so I picked up a test and made plans for when I would take it.  I didn't have any time with my husband that day and wanted to share the moment with him.  He was running the clock for the football game, so it would have to wait until afterwards.  And we were headed up to Nebraska for the weekend for my nephew's 2nd birthday right after the game too.  SO - I ended up peeing on the stick as we got ready to go and I stuck it back in the box to read in the car on the way.   I remember the nervousness and excitement Curt and I shared as we debated whether or not we should look at the results yet.  I think we waited at least a good 20 minutes into the drive and until the kids were deep enough into their movie not to notice anything suspicious.  And then I looked at the test and sure enough - 2 LINES - PREGNANT!!!  

We were SO excited, SO happy, SO full of hopes for this child.  But did we ever stop to wonder if anything could be wrong?  Not for a second.  Did we stop to say a prayer that everything was going perfectly?  Sadly - no.  In fact, I think our biggest concern at the time was if we would be content if God gave us another son.  We were so terribly naive, so blissfully unaware, and we so deeply took for granted the miracle of a healthy baby. 

It snowed on us that night as we headed to Nebraska, which is crazy to think of today since it is supposed to be in the mid 80's here.  In fact, by the next morning we awoke to nearly a foot of snow at my sister's house.  We had dropped off the kids at my folks' on the way and were spending the day helping install carpet in Jessica's house after some remodeling work they had done. We worked hard that day to get it all done before the birthday party  on Sunday.  I remember wondering and hoping all day that Jessica might also be pregnant because of a conversation we had earlier in the summer.  And sure enough - on Sunday after Jackson opened his gifts - they revealed through a video of his "firsts" that he was going to be a big brother!  I was so excited that we would be having babies together again and so close together - in fact our due dates were only 3 days apart!!  We kept our news to ourselves, not wanting to crowd in on their big announcement.  But boy - it sure was exciting.

And now, as I spend this day in a strange sort of deja vu experience - another homecoming  and another trip to Nebraska for Jackson's birthday this weekend - I can't help but feel the pain once again of what should be but isn't.  There is no sweet tiny baby growing in my tummy as there was last year with the anticipation of all the good things to come.  And there is no beautiful 4 month old baby Karinne in my arms.